Twin Dad

a sex toy collection is like a horror movie villain: thrilling and much scarier when your imagination is doing most of the work. seeing all 27 cooking utensils and a bag of assorted LEGO kinda kills the mood

i am mad as a waterlogged rooster I actually don’t know how mad that is but it sounds like a lot

i have interviews tomorrow and monday and i need to know are the kids wearing their panties on the outside or their bras on their buttcheeks is that what interviewmaxxing is

no longer allowed to listen to Wake Me Up Before You Go Go while pumping gas

Well, today I learned I’ve done the “Guess what? Chicken butt.” joke wrong all my life. We used to follow it up with:
Guess who? Mr. Magoo
Guess why? Cow pie
Guess when? Cousin Ben

I like mine better, though.

I want to see the charcuterie board before I get into the van.

Just cleaned my feet with a Lysol wipe. Have at me, bro.

Well, today I learned I’ve done the “Guess what? Chicken butt.” joke wrong all my life. We used to follow it up with:
Guess who? Mr. Magoo
Guess why? Cow pie
Guess when? Cousin Ben

I like mine better, though.

*raises the bar*

Bar: “put me down”

Can't, I'm busy listening to the Where's Waldo audiobook

Hide your dogs

Well that’s something

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast

Bread: what

Nothing says “my kids were an accident” more than a full back tattoo of Yosemite Sam

Don't bother with those "smart" glasses, just duct tape two Ring dot com cameras to your face.

I don’t get invited to many places, but when I do I say no

The doctor told my husband he could stand to gain a few pounds, and I gained 10 pounds just from overhearing the conversation.

So apparently assless chaps are “not work appropriate” and “disgusting on a man of my size.” Would have been nice to see that in the employee handbook BEFORE I got ready for work.

I could have fried in your arms tonight it must have been some kind of piss

my past addictions lead me to believe that if i mash up these coffee beans into powder and snort them, they will work better 🥼🧪👩‍🔬

Writing a folk song about her gastrointestinal issues isn't the panty dropper you'd think it'd be.

I will now re-create what I was singing at the top of my lungs along to this song in the car:

🎶SOMEBODY TOLD ME
THAT I WAS A BOYFRIEND
OR WAS A GIRLFRIEND
I SAW YOU LAST FEBRUARY OF LAST WEEK
I'M NOT CONTINENTAL
I NEVER SAW "YENTL"
A-RUSHING AROUND

Not a big "correct lyrics" guy.

i’m gonna hold your boobs while i say this: i really like your boobs

Neither do I

Ummmm

You know you ordered way too much fucking food for yourself when the Chinese restaurant gives you four fortune cookies.

"YOU'RE DEAD TO ME"

Me on my first day as a mortician

Text your husband "I know your secret" and he'll bring you so many presents!
You don't even need to know what the secret is!

When I get to 8,274 I’ll tell you all what I really think about you.

A week long celebration of dad jokes, call it The Paternity Fest