New lettuce

Getting really flustered during battle because my sword makes a flirty little "ooh!" sound instead of a "clang" every time it hits another sword.

when you are struggling to come up with a pet name for your significant other

Artax going down a little staircase behind the couch while doing the little queen wave with one hoof

i wasn't picking my nose bro i was pushing all that shit further up

a guy on the train in berlin is wearing a pin badge, of the sort one might wear in support of a band or political cause, but his is in support of the ancient grain amaranth

no brand or anything just Amaranth

Kubrick stare

*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.

squirrel: hey can i get that acorn in your yard

dog: no can do amigo

squirrel: why

dog: i don’t know but i need you to understand that i have a massive problem with it

My wife just tried to say the pasta salad she made last weekend was a hit. It’s just me and her living here, she can’t talk about food success like that

restaurant manager: hey so, sorry to bother you, but is that a service animal? it's just, we have a policy-

jabba the hutt: je wonna wonga, bazda wahota shonga

salacious b crumb: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

restaurant manager: ah. ok. cool

If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.

knapping my phone into a perfect paleolithic hand axe

Being knighted by the Dairy Queen, she taps me on each shoulder with a giant milkshake straw

XAVIER: Stand down, Erik! We must avoid violence!
MAGNETO: The violence began long before us, friend. Now choose which of your new recruits will feel the deadly power of MAGNETISM.
NOTEPAD: Professor, I will save his remarks as an unformatted .txt file!
XAVIER: (in Magneto's head) I choose Notepad.

"Bigfoot's groin?" Oh, you mean Sascrotch.

Cmon James

*scrolling past hot bitches on my phone without looking at them* I cannot do this right now hot bitches

Today was an absolutely beautiful day in NYC. It was sunny. Clear skies. It was 51F which after this winter left me sweating in my unzipped puffer. I saw people strolling without jackets. Runners in shorts. And as I walked home, I thought about what it would be like to see bombers in the sky.

the fifa peace prize used to mean something

This is the most important thing on the internet rn 🤣😭

i think phone screens should have animations of bugs crawling on them . all the time and U can't turn that feature off

Time for my dreams to turn my fears into weird short films

[guy who sang baby beluga] the festering belly is splitting, each half digested soul fumbling for a knife

Teddy Roosevelt giving a speech and pointing

Rebecca Ferguson (Mission Impossible actress) @rebeccaferguson.com This is actress Rebecca Ferguson, the real one and not a scam. Accept my private message request. why on earth would you message me if you were real I need you to watch my movies. the scam is just messaging individual people to watch rebecca ferguson movies? I have been a fan of yours ever since I read a post about how you sneezed so hard the yellow acorn flew off your penis shaft. In Dune 2 I played the powerful mother of a thin desert boy.

"Bluesky doesn't have the juice."
"Real media access is still only on Twitter."
"No one important uses or will ever use this site."

Skill issue. If you post good, the right people will figure out how to get in touch with you.

For a PBJ? NTN (no toaster necessary)

reddit screenshot asking "AITA (Am I The Asshole) for pinching a pig on the penis?"

["i think you're just what i needed" voice]
pinching a pig on the penis

a solution i have come up with so that i don't have to wear reading glasses anymore is to simply spray everything around me in reading glasses lens material