Miasma Hospital NHS Trust

We are still waiting for a social care package so we can discharge Sylvia.

Attention mortuary staff.

Please could you return to the mortuary, one of your "clients" is complaining he is cold and requesting a second opinion.

Next up on Hospital radio for those gastroenteritis patients...

Here I go again.. By White Snake

The canteen can confirm they served :
"salmon alla Toscana" and NOT "salmonella Toscana".

The diarrhoea and vomiting is due to the assistance serving the food having norovirus.

Please could patients be reminded not to bring animals to the hospital.

The sexual health clinic can't treat your itchy cock, you need a vet.

Reminder to dermatology staff.

If it had legs, it's not eczema it's scabies.

The canteen would like to confirm they are not cooking bacon.

The bacon smell around the hospital is coming for the surgical incinerator.

Following recent allegations we are unable to cater for canabalism.

We apologise for the damage to visitors cars. However the speed bumps need to be that big to stop student nurses taking each other home from the social club in shopping trolleys.

Microbiology team would like to remind all staff, that sending samples from the canteens salad bar is NOT an appropriate use of NHS resources.

They already know about the campylobacter in the cucumbers, and staff have already been disciplined.

Hospital staff are reminded that licking patients with gastroenteritis is NOT a suitable weight loss measure.

The Play Therapist would like to confirm that they do not have any rodents as therapy pets. Please stop fussing the rats. They are wild vermin.

The staff in the blood sciences laboratory have requested colleagues did not refer to them as Haemo-Goblins.

We will catch the so called "Anagram bandit".

The paramedics were very upset their vehicles now read "LANCE A BUM"

OH PhUK IT!

We are pleased to announce that the Occupational Health team are the first department to fully integrate the new system.

The Trust is pleased to announce it's new online pharmacy system.

Pharmacy UK IT allows prescribers to tick a drug and AI will confirm safe prescribing.

Use PhUK IT now.

Whilst the trust respects different religious practices at times of bereavement, we would like to ask relatives to sing respectfully and at a suitable volume.

Singing "Hey, Ho, The witch is dead" at the top of your voice is not appropriate.

MIASMA HOSPITAL RADIO STATION invites YOU to request songs your like to hear before you die.

We call this feature:
"Any last requests"

Message us now... You never know what the day brings here at Miasma Hospital.

Patients and staff please be informed tonight is:

CURRY NIGHT.

Enjoy the Chefs attempt to prepare ethnic variation from his usual Great Beige, Bland and British menu.

Served with a Gaviscon chaser.

The Hospital gift shop continues to make its own greetings cards and welcomes your suggestions.

Thank you to the orthopaedic team for suggesting:

"We are Sorry for your loss...But it really did need removing"

Keep them coming.

Not keen on contraceptive implants as you don't want something unnatural in you...
... But you're happy to stick a dick in yer bits.

Don't want to use hormone contraception as you worry about the effects of extra hormones on your body?

Just wait until those pregnancy hormones kick in!!

Yes .. Condom's do contain poorly biodegradable parts...

But they are easier on the environment than children.

Do you wake up feeling crabby?

If so visit our sexual health clinic for help.

Memo to Gender clinic staff.

It's not considered appropriate to say "Just a small prick" when giving hormone blocking injections to trans women.

But you might miss me!

So reading rubbish papers.

We all know that painting roundabouts in UK stops people boarding boats on France... Right?

Aren't you a bundle of joy!

Please be aware that the zombies circulating the hospital are just the night shift returning for duty.

Please stop running away from them.

Staff are reminded not to kick suppositories into position.

Patients are reminded to remove the outer packaging if they are self administering suppositories.