The Only Living Dead Girl in New York

I liked 2016 better tbh. Girls were still doing that weird thing with their eyebrows.

That’s good advice I have been doing full scale research since yesterday

Just did a really quick Google image search and am pleased to say I am not the first person to have thought the phrase “Catboy Maid Donald Trump”

Wait nobody told me hockey players are hot

Christina on the other app said Florida panthers which feels so cool runnings, I like that so that’s definitely a top contender

I am thinking about getting VERY into hockey what team should I like

I tried to read one of the game of thrones books once when I was on a real Everyman jag but like the first bit was all aching loins and quivering wombs and quickening seeds and I just like to read books about women having a complicated time at a fancy tea.

Imagine having minor depressive disorder couldn’t be me

I like my women like I like my albums dense and inaccessible

I want to live inside the new Ethel Cain album

Okay fine I’ll stop

I need a wider audience again so I can extoll the virtues of “I started a joke” by The Bee Gees and for no other reason

I hate when I am just trying to get out of the grocery store but my stupid daughter ate part of a pomegranate and now the store manager says he gets to keep her HALF the year because of rules and regulations

Me and my oven since I cut oil out of my diet

I dropped the shamash and lit some paper towels on fire but boy did they burn for a long time

My husband just told me “you don’t understand, kids in my family, we’re born barefoot” and I would just really like to know what the alternative is

I know it kills me every time I look at it

My son said he’s going to have a 20 pack when he grows up he’s going to have 10 on each side

[sisyphus begging his mom for a boulder] pleaaaaaase I promise I will take it on so many walks up the hill

Thank you I promise to make you proud

My one claim to fame is “Yeah I’m pretty famous”

When Paul McCartney asks if I’ll be his temporary secretary

What if there was a smaller but still impressive miracle that happened on 33rd street that we’ll just never know about because it was overshadowed by its more famous counterpart

One time there was a lot of drama in my apartment building and this really quiet stoner guy wrote a very eloquent email and then this old jazz guy insisted someone else wrote it, that it didn’t sound like him and that he would know because he told us “sound is my life”

My friend told me her old coworker kept being like I wonder what’s up with the Scientology center like every day until one day he was like you know what I’m going to check out the Scientology center and then he called out sick for a week straight and never came back

[matthew mcconaughey voice]He keeps getting older and I stay the same age

My husband and I didn’t start as an age gap relationship but I’ve been 29 long enough that we are are now and I don’t feel taken advantage of at all

Someone out there is making hundreds of thousands of dollars a year telling brands how to use the word skibidi to describe their product