melis

please believe me when i say that there would be absolutely nothing i would love more

you and i, we are the machine twins

Thank you!! I am literally going into it with the dreams of the day I get to link my final defense stream to you guys, like Adam did lmao

of course we will see how long this lasts, i got convinced to do a phd against my will LMAO but gotta keep truckin

hi,
i feel much better than ever, so i wanted to say, it’s apparently true that everything will get better eventually, even the worst of the worst you might be going through
also i got diagnosed so if you ever wondered what’s wrong with me, the results are in
anyway, i hope you are doing good, too.

i legit don’t think i can’t do it

please fuck off russia

just when my anxiety was getting better for the day

i start the podcast and i’m like 😡 great. these chucklefucks are back at it. stop making jokes it’s 1 am

i can’t stop overthinking and fall asleep without podcasts, but this has now led me to dislike podcasts because every night i’m trying to sleep and these guys just won’t shut up

you can see the indents where i poked at it with a spoon in disbelief

@joshimuz.com this is the first time this happens to me

all that to say… thank you. i genuinely feel better. i don’t know when’s the last time i actually posted something personal without resorting to jokes to make it more digestible and seem like i’m flippant, and it’s so relieving that it actually ended up not only ok, but helped me feel normal. 🫂

it really helps to know i’m not fully alone. if i could believe for a bit that this is relatively normal, that other people feel as hopeless sometimes, that i’m not uniquely broken, and that there will then be good periods because people who can relate are ok currently… it would be so much easier

:( for a week or so i’ve been carefully watching myself to check how numb or depressed i am… i realized it’s anxiety AGAIN to be worried about depression but realizing it is only half the battle :(

every time i’m like “oh yeah, i’m feeling slowly better. i think im coming out of this slump i’ve been in” and it’s actually the start of another.

this is it i think. this is how far i could bring myself before my mind melts and im incapable. i thought i was growing and learning and becoming my own person but i think i was just running away or hiding and there’s no hiding anymore

i am SO SCARED. there is no cure, there is no exit, there is just “learning how to deal with it”. how do you learn how to deal with something you don’t even realize is happening?

i look back and it’s been anxiety forever. i just had school to focus it on. i feel incapable of going to work, i feel incapable of being a normal person

it’s constant. it’s about something else every time. i can’t tell it’s anxiety until it’s been days. it repeats constantly. the only times i know peace are when my mind is so tired from it that it let’s up for a few hours before sleep. what the fuck

does anxiety ever end? i feel like im going to crash and burn and ruin my life, i am so fucking scared you guys

they really should teach languages in a variety of environments so i don’t forget everything when im panicking

sitting at the gym locker room trying to be calm because i left my keys in the locker and the security company does not speak english (understandable) and i don’t speak estonian when im freaking the fuck out

aaa i had a therapist appointment and subsequently crashed out for the remainder of the day lmfao one second

i saw a furry running the “darude sandstorm marathon” in helsinki yesterday and felt like i was witnessing the nation of Finland all collapsed into one being :D we have a million new space tech projects, but im taking a bit of time away due to mental health. the secret stuff ill DM you in a bit 🤭

im sad and scared lol xd heho

but then i realized maybe this happens to a lot of people and thus other people struggling also feel really lonely and like their illness is the worst of its kind, and then i got tired of myself and almost quit the post, and then i realized old me would have posted anyway

i wanted to post asking if everyone lives with differing kinds of mental illness because i am really really struggling recently, but then i got too embarrassed and feared judgement, and wanted to tell you about some random bullshit i saw today instead

DUDE i literally wanted to tag you or reference the vice city cafe but i got shy lmfao

found expedition 33 ice cream in turkey