ember, sword witch🔥

what the fuck

it is freeing, in a way, to realize that i am genuinely incapable of trusting anyone with my heart. i can fuck around and do whatever i want and i can't *actually* get hurt, because my heart is closed for business.

ember enters her whore era, maybe.
if i have the energy for it.

i knew this was a problem i had since i first wrote those words last spring - "i am not the kind of woman who can be loved".

i just... didn't know how deep it truly ran. i thought i could work on it like i've worked on everything else. i was wrong.

it could be put right in front of me, or thrown at my face, or any other manner of expressing being given it freely.

i will not be able to believe it or trust it.

i have a core intimacy wound that cannot be so easily healed.

realizing amidst all the progress i'm making that something in my emotions which i thought was fixable likely runs far deeper than previously known.

i have a conviction down to my bones that i am not the kind of woman who can be intimately loved. i am entirely unable to conceive of myself as such.

is there a labeler that tags the pro-AI freaks

what about sword trannies

i have Alex and Ronan, still close.
i still have Ryan, in his own frequently detached way.
i have Casmira and Carrie again, distantly.
i even have Charlotte, though *very* distantly.

so... why does it bother me so much that Willow isn't here?

the regret and guilt of pushing her away eats at me.

i am making so many new irl friends, and some could be very good for me.

and i've rekindled or reaffirmed a friendship with all but one of the people i'd have considered a core, inner circle friend in the past year.

so why can i still not get over the one missing? why can't i get over Willow?

i'm hoping it's a dozen freak coincidences painting a false picture. that would be a lot easier than the alternative.

but that wasn't the only thing, last night felt so... let's say uniquely strange.

so i went digging in my journaling, and i've written too many time stamped journal entries between December 2024 and now to ignore that could relate to this, and now they're suddenly painting much more of a picture.

the biggest red flag was having a very clear, lucid, coherent discord DM conversation last night with a new friend... which i had no recollection of having today.

i used to know someone who would understand what that meant when it happened to them, and i'm... concerned if it means similar for me.

reviewing my notes app journal history in response to this, i had a... stronger evidence trail than i was expecting to.

i don't have the data points to draw any useful conclusions, so i won't attempt to, but i am now on the watch for oddities in my sense of identity and ESPECIALLY in my memory.

had some.... very strange brain experiences last night and this morning, which have me somewhat concerned.

i wish i could talk to the one person who is, by ludicrous coincidence, the exact perfect person in a dozen ways for me to talk to about it. but that's not possible anymore.

i do want to emphasize, very clearly here, that there will NEVER be a repeat of how i was with Casmira in the past.

i have much better safeguards for things like that now, and besides, i suspect we'll remain much more distant these days, despite reaffirming deep friendship.

i wish to be dancing 'round the fire as the moon still sits near full. i deserve to share in the joy and inspiration of friends and loves, and shine back my own radiance upon them in turn.

my discord account just turned 10 years old yesterday.

huh.

Every trans person who refuses to shrink their identity to fit the room is expanding the world for everyone else.

the ideal form of green is the deep rich color of spinach wilted in olive oil

theorizing a graph of
silly or serious
versus
does care or doesn't care

whimsy is silly and does care
stoner is silly and doesn't care
not sure what to label the serious end, but i have strong vibes for what they are, and "serious but doesn't care" is my mortal fucking enemy

"but men are victims too"

i was a 5 year old boy.

you don't care about male victims either. you especially don't care about them.

people who aren't SA or CSA survivors need to stop leading the conversation on SA with their vicarious revenge fantasies.

and ESPECIALLY MEN need to stop doing this. because you don't care about us! you just want acceptable targets for violence!

being reminded again of how much the job hunt sucks absolute shit

bluesky username change:
emberautumn
->
emberwitchy

Casmira is the most important person in my life. and in their extended absence, i had really forgotten that. but it took all of one phone call to remember and re-activate that deep knowledge in my heart of hearts.

we're friends for life, no matter what happens in the future.

i love them so much.

i keep reflecting on the almost 2 hour phone call i had with Casmira last night.

we each spent a couple sentences testing the waters, then we immediately dived into our old comfort with each other as if we'd never been apart. and we tackled everything with mutual love and empathy and understanding.

honestly vibes, maybe a color filter but otherwise perfect

what if...
ember rose......
hmmmm........

i am going to embrace being too much. i will find the people for whom my being a lot is a joy rather than a burden.

this life would have me burn as a votive candle when i demand to be the bonfire. i will become the flames to set hearts ablaze.