Chap at work wanted to show me a picture on his phone (his wife's positive pregnancy test). I'm elated for him.

But also disappointed that it wasn't a video of people being taken out by a goat.

It was in fact NOT Damn Fine Coffee.

Can only be described as what the inside of Leland Palmer's golf bag (probably) tastes like. #IYKYK

I like that mistletoe increases the odds of being kissed. More plants should offer temporary environmental status. Brawling under lingonberries. The soft yearning of a love that dare not speak its name beneath the nightshade.

Mary: [*laying Baby Jesus in the manger*]

Donkey: “Hey lady! Some of us gotta eat outta that”

*explaining to my colleagues the difference between Santa and I*

Look, we're both fat and jolly but I WILL CUT A BITCH.

Supreme Court denies Kim Davis' petition to overturn same-sex marriage ruling.

I'd punch a nun to see the couple she denied a license to stand outside her home with a boombox playing "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY MONEY"

Is true love really about flowers, dinner and romance or is it when you're having breakfast in a nice hotel and your SO tells you he needs an App Surf. a.k.a shit and are you done eating?

It's the App Surf right? RIGHT??

None of the guys in this safety orientation are interested in watching my jerk off video.

Telling the patron next to me that "Lay All Your Love On Me" is really about cum on the face....

.....is why I've been banned from future performances of Mamma Mia.

Nelly Furtado.

Unless she's sitting on your face, her weight is none of your fucking business.

Kim Davis's hairline is reversing quicker than same-sex marriage.

How big of a tik tac toe board do you think we can draw on it?

ME: ♪twinkle twinkle little star, how i wonder what you are♪

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: it's a big ball of hot gas that will eventually kill us all

Scientists:

We found it! Life on another planet!

Clitoris:

Boss: School is asking if son has a medical condition. Is being a little fucking shit a condition?

Me: Nah, not medical. Genetics.

Bear in mind...I'm three months into my probation period 🤦

"You know when you have an absolute rank shite and there's a whole lot of empty sweetcorn husks just hanging around, desperately clinging to the said shite"

Me explaining the inauguration.

"Boundaries, never heard of them mate"
- Eddie, probably.

However 2024 treated you, you survived it. Tis a win.

Throat punching along with the below is also an acceptable way to start 2025.

✌️🐧

Dad: Y'know, you look like that guy..Cuntknackers.

Brother: Who?

Dad: Cuntknackers, the guy from that Hangover film

Me: Zach Galifianakis

Dad: Yeah..that's what I said, Cuntknackers

a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn a little bit neon

Revealing the masked singer and it’s one of the guys from daft punk with his helmet on

A movie about a vampire with a deviated septum entitled “NOSEferatu.”

cats names? remember them almost immediately.

people's names? i'm sorry who are you?

I've gained a fair few followers recently (ta very much) without getting my tiddehs out.

Be happy about that, no one wants to look at my feet.

Some days I miss the porn bots that are rampant at the X.

But I want to look at hairy lips, I'll go groom my magnificent moustache.

Same lady, same 🤣

Are you justified?

Yes.

Are you ancient?

Yes.

Do you drive an ice-cream van?

DID YOU JUST CALL ME FAT??

Awww shucks Danny

{getting attacked by a shark} awww he must smell my shark

"You think I'm unemotional, don't you? I can *be* emotional. Jesus, I cried like a child at the end of Terminator 2"

Me, but watching Arcane.