What about the one about the guy who finally gets to use his gun collection to win back the respect of his daughter and ex wife?
04.03.2026 20:26
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What about the one about the guy who finally gets to use his gun collection to win back the respect of his daughter and ex wife?
This was a poster in a CVS.
I just saw a supplier status slide. I swear to god it was in papyrus font. Are they being sarcastic?
Me: have you heard we are at war with Iran?
My 13 yo smartass son: Well, Americans hate exercise.
Dear Mrs Thompkins,
Is there a permission slip for the elementary choral festival? Is there an open bar? Is it true that all 700 girls are going to be performing the theme to the worldwide phenomenon, Fame: “The Theme From Fame?”
Married with children cast
Cognitive dissonance: Peg was crazy hot and they spent the entire series telling us she was unfuckable.
The Great Retwittering of 20”Fifteen Minutes After Everyone Said They Were Done With Twitter”
Imma Bot!
I asked my son if poison is a food. He assured me it’s a seasoning.
Each of us has gazed into our reflection and asked of the one who peers back: “Am I attractive enough to talk to a webcam for a living?”
My daughter’s current favorite song: open.spotify.com/track/2N9miX...
What’s amazing is all these Vietnam era planes that are still in service.
I eat because I dare not scream.
Are you a mean dinosaur?
Watching The Maze Runner and I have a question. Is this a sequel to Zoolander?
It’s Past Me’s turn to do the dishes.
“Huh. My toothpaste tastes like weed.”
My cat: Is it kibble?
Me: No mother fucker! Don’t eat that!
If my cat was on a game show called “Is it kibble?” He’d need a bowel resection by the first commercial break.
That baby is trying to escape through the nipple.
It’s Christmas, Amazon. Maybe don’t deliver packages with pictures of the contents on every side?
Waldo.
Found him.
The AI uprising is coming. It will have too many thumbs.
Imagine being sat at Barnes and Noble reading the manga and newborn John Fetterman spills out shrieking onto the floor next to you, awful
You: “I hung a perfect mold off my own nuts on my trailer hitch!”
Doctor behind you in traffic: “Huh. That truck has cancer.“
Me: Benign! That’s wonderful news!
My boss: It’s a fair assessment of your performance and impact.
Ebon Alert: The ritual of appeasement has failed. Guard your cheese well and pray for the chosen one.
Probably no fictional trope has done as much damage as the Hyperviolent Dude With a Heart of Gold Who Saves Children and Metes Out Justice.
Tailor: Which pant leg do you keep your penis in?
Me admitting nothing: Yes. Fitting my giant penis in my pants is obviously my primary concern.
Blockchain is just a buzzword for an encryption algorithm. I could funnel Madoff Securities through a Daisy Duck decoder ring and it would still require a new sucker everyday to keep growing.