Cyrus O’Merican

(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine

Eat it

Schuster & Garfunkel:
The Other Guys Tour

It turns out that all of reality is just an elaborate simulation, and, as you’ve suspected all along, it’s only for you

Me *Entering the afterlife* Oh fuck, there's more!

Statistically, you're much better off if you don't believe anything is butter

Hi I'm allegedly a pollster and I'm texting you the sketchiest looking URL you've ever seen!

[me in the kitchen]
*makes a small thump noise*

[my dogs in the living room]
TO WAR WE GO

Rusty chain link gate in severe disrepair

If you know what this is, you had an AWESOME childhood

thinking AI is conscious isn't much different than thinking narcissists and sociopaths care about you. both are just mimicking something they don't feel inside, and the jury is still out on which has worse consequences.

Exercise your bladder,
take your bladder out on a walk,
treat your bladder to a good time every once in a while it works hard for you

I, for one, am looking forward to Kamala Harris's Mr. Beast arc.

Happy Groundhog Day!
What are you guys doing to celebrate?

Anna Nicole Smith

🎶 It’s like this and like that and like this

It’s looking like my new business will launch on July 4th once Trump Accounts go into effect. The business plan is to adopt as many babies as I can 💰💰💰💰

Weather map captioned "Tracking the Polar Vortex" which just so happens to look like some big naturals, if you know what I mean. It even has low pressure icons for nipples!

DAD (pounding on the bathroom door): You better not be doing meteorology in there!

It’s January and I’m already stressing about what I’m gonna wear to a concert in August

but just think of all the mining we'll be able to get done when we're no longer distracted by the sounds of those canaries

Every privacy policy update:

We have found new ways to monetize your data !!

A tour of my anxiety

Me: receives lots of great vinyl stickers for Xmas of many of my interests.

Also me: where should I put them? What if I put them on my car and my car breaks down and I have to get a new one and then my stickers are on my old car. Same with my laptop.

Stickers stay in package.

When the devil on your shoulder tells you that now is a good time to non-sequitur tell your friend that you peed in his kitchen sink once in 2002 and twice in 2003, do not do it

Battery. Powered. Gluegun.
World peace.
More wishes.

seeing an early front runner for worst guy of the year

no one ever uses 'circlejerk' to describe cool things. y'all need to open your minds a little bit it's 2026

Someday my kids will get me a t-shirt that says “My favorite people call me Pop Pop” and hopefully I’ll die that same day so I don’t ever have to wear it to Costco

My walk of shame is throwing out a McDonald’s bag in the Williams Sonoma trash can

[on my death bed]

I…still remember… Surly Jon and… SoulYodeler…

I'm getting mixed messages about what is okay to do to presidents

Welcome, Venezuela, 51st state