For years, government employment was considered a stable path to retirement. Now, the city of Denver may make it easier to lay off longtime city workers. denverite.com/2025/06/04/d...
Show me the women who raised you.
Show me the women who raised you.
Show me the women who raised you
Can’t.
Someone has to push the 2 hour auto shut-off override on this weighted heated blanket
Me: I love you forever.
Her: Oopsy daisy.
I have one kid that'll freak if he drops his water bottle because of germs. I have another kid that'll pick up a piece of jelly side down toast that she dropped, remove the cat hairs and eat it 🤦♂️
xanax is greek for "i don't care"
Medieval portrayal of a person bending over backwards. Two others appear. One wears a crown.
What have you heard about the new Fantastic Four movie?
Bearing witness to the aches of existence.
Because in order to truly know me, you have to know the music I am made of.
When you can't talk to anyone, I'll sit with you in silence.
A clearly present danger
What's your story?
1. wine & woe
2. moss & magic
3. cats & chaos
4. night cheese & odd dreams
Don't wear yourself out striving for success.
Drink exotic teas, read a thousand books, gossip under starlight with the owls.
Become one with the mist at the heart of the forest.
This is what it means to prosper.
My hope for you is that you always feel safe and warm, and that you will someday find yourself surrounded by wild Muppets in the heart of the forest, with plenty of wine & books and without a care in the world.
Your horoscope for today:
Be like a black hole - bend time and space around you with the sheer power of your existence.
What's your favorite color?
1. shimmering meteor
2. mossy forgotten tomb
3. dark end of the forest
4. deep sea ghost
I guess no one at this Olive Garden is interested in my one-man dinner theatre reimagining of Evita.
Sorry I’m late, 27000 Tupperware containers fell out of my cabinet
can’t believe I have to say this again, but if you find me unconscious beneath a freeway overpass, please leave me alone, that’s MY time
Reese Witherspoon holding nothing.
Reese Witherspoon holding a spoon.
reese with her spoon
Two seagulls walking. One’s beak is stuck through a slice of bread.
"What happened?"
"I’m stuck. It's so embarrassing."
“I guess things went... a-rye?”
“Please do shut up.”
"You should get out of the sun."
"Why?"
"Otherwise, you'll be toast."
"You're an asshole, Charlie."
“You’re right, you deserve butter.”
Welcome to your 40s, every pee-pee time now has the potential to also be a poo-poo time.
some of you are writing bios like it's an extreme sport
The folks who like my posts even if they don't understand them are my people 💙
When it’s all said and done, the only thing that really matters is how you treated the animals.
