Mari, On The Run

the weather today is nice.

did you mean it when you called it love ?

and don't you dare look back

it'll take forever. maybe you'll hate that it does. but you'll get better at it.

we all change in imperceptibly-small ways over the course of years and years. you don't even notice it. maybe one day you really think about it and you realize you're different from who you were before, but day-in-day-out- it feels like the needle barely moves.

change won't come all at once.

Have Fun Rotting by Yourself

i believe in you!

hang in there! it always gets better.

thank you for clearing it up this post was actually a little ambiguous 😭

i was all yours to throw away.

let that obsessive hunger for external validation destroy you.

i can't hate you after all.

maybe it's easier to leave all your decisionmaking in the hands of somebody else.

i just can't help but feel like it's a wasteful way to live.

leading a life that can't hold its shape on its own. one where you cleave and tear away at your soul to suit the shape of someone else's. if there were nobody else around, would you even be aware of your own existence? your own wants and needs? do you even know what they are?

love me til you don't!

rot in the past- i won't take you with me.

i don't need this worthless heart that still bleeds for you.

i don't need this worthless heart that can't cry.

a future is not given to you- it is something you must take for yourself.

this time, let it hurt.

to go where people are, and to feel like i've earned the life i've been granted.

i know it's not healthy. i'm trying to change! but it's going to be a long way.

the idea that i can try my hardest to keep things together, but if i've got the wrong read, i'll just be left out in the cold anyway. that i can scream and cry and still be ignored in the end. i'm just too afraid of going through that kind of heartache again! it was so long ago, and it still hurts.

i just don't know how to live any other way. i've spent a majority of my conscious existence running away from being hurt, and it's really really hard to turn around and try to stay put. it's not something i'm used to.

in a way, it almost feels like a self-fulfilling prophecy. because i've already surrendered so much of my thinking and my actions to the idea that, oh, this is going to end too someday. and i KNOW those thought patterns only really accelerate that. and i know that i'm ultimately the problem.

the way it feels, to me, is more like an inevitability. it feels more like i'm trapped beneath a falling rock. and it's falling so slowly that it's imperceptible. and sometimes i'll pretend it isn't there for a while. but then i'll look back at it and notice it's a few milimeters closer now.