:⁠-⁠*

Getting older is just things like trading in a beer budget for an essential oils budget. A round of essential oils for the table!

Is it too early for a spring break wooooo

May your drunk DMs be more fruitful

~me as a fortune cookie writer

Maybe I should start posting left hamded

It's wine Wednesday! Don't steal this, I just made it up

I should have known they weren't the one when they told me that the T-Rex on my vision board was unrealistic

Walmart dot com talking about "we think you might like this" and it's bengay and wine. *adds to cart*

goddamn the internet has gotten stupid
not anybody here, but everywhere else

Don't forget to leave milk and cookies out for Moon Bloodgood tonight

Am I still awake or just up early for once 😵‍💫

If just rolling your eyes and cursing a lot at a screen counts as being a reply guy then I'm your, uh, guy

A slice of bread on a white paper towel

A slice of bread with meat and cheese on it on a paper towel

A culinary masterpiece on a paper towel with a bite taken out of it

I'm a foodie now

ngl every time someone likes one of my posts i lose respect for them

Shout out to everybody involved in the making of this labour and delivery stock photo. Almost as good as women eating salad.

How do you gain followers on here, by being personable and shit?

Yeah, hard pass

Oh "lol" you saved the day again

MFers quick to call someone out for stealing their joke that they stole from someone else

There's something magical about making people around the world smile and/or cringe

My style these days is leaning toward nuclear fallout chic

Egg white and chive sandwich for brunch 🤌🏻 *chefs fart*

😂 oh I've said something similar, remember spicy burns both ways

😂

During the summer games I hope to medal in the r̷u̷n̷n̷i̷n̷g̷ speed walking away from commitment event

Wait did he say the state of the nation is shlong

Back in my day we didn't have fancy hand warmers. Mom would send us to school with 2 baked potatoes in our pockets. And also potatoes were considered contraband back then so you better not get caught

It's gonna be below freezing again tonight so I have a jalapeno plant hanging in my closet *wink*

I guess we could make fresh salsa or something *weirder slower wink*

You think I'd be worried that my doctor sterilizes their instruments with an egg steamer

All that talking and it turns out the only thing you manifested is a goodnight fart. But it was a good one

don't mind the 'cyberdyne systems' tramp stamp babe