Jake Noll

My bug out bag is a body bag.

Great. So the Kennedy Center will now absolutely have a Kid Rock residency.

Yes, this administration is dangerous and cruel, but they are also shockingly dim and incompetent.

Opportunities are everywhere.

Make everything as hard as possible. Resist every demand. Refuse entry without a warrant. Don’t take the buyout. Their problem solving skills are 📉

if we staff ICE with Uvalde police officers, they'll never enter schools

If you're in Illinois, you're on Section 8, and your landlord tries to evict you because of the government funding freeze, email me at sheryl@weikallaw.com. My cases are pay-whatever-you-can.

You want a meritocracy but you’re afraid of white people going extinct? That sounds like our sun-burn prone, dog hair-having, spice-intolerant genetics just weren’t good enough to keep up.

Most annoying thing about this is now I can’t fight with other trans people over dumb stuff like “who gets to say transsexual”

Whitney Cummings roaming the hills with a sword was weirdly on my 2025 bingo card

Alien writing human erotica:

“He looked at her with his fiery mustachioed eyes. She let her hand fall from where it rested at her throat to reveal her heaving clits.”

If you're the type of person who feels sexy at the gym we are not friends.

At what age to women become obsessed with things be ing “drafty?”

Good morning! Here’s some ways to ruin your day before it’s even started:
- put your phone full brightness on your eye
- breathe shallow
- remember the concept of a “starter home”

Wondering if you’re an alcoholic? Let’s find out. Lemme see if I have a crush on you.

Saw a girl on tiktok advertising a pillow for her neck hump and I just really like how unashamed Gen Z is.

Can tell I’m on a flight back to LA bc the snack is a handful of sea moss and a gently parented child is flying the plane.

Can tell I’m on a flight back to LA bc the snack is a handful of sea moss and a gently parented child is flying the plane.

2 grown cis men at a party stood frozen and unable to engage in conversation with me tonight. Later one of their wives said to my mom “he just doesn’t understand trans people.” Sir. I am not a kiosk you have to figure out how to use… but feel free to hand me your credit card. (I will eat it.)

As a millennial, I do not have a retirement plan. My retirement plan is the apocalypse. My 401k is a body bag.

After giving it some thought, I believe cis women ought to start using the men’s room. The line is shorter and no one is ever using the sinks.

“qUiT eaTinG cHeeSe jAKe iT mAkEs YOu fARt moRe.”

You know how dumb you sound? Cheese is the only thing protecting me from friendly strangers.

WTF would I want to lucid dream? Sleeping is the only time I don’t have to do anything. You’re telling me I should want to make stuff happen?

The much overlooked comrades of the revolution are the life coaches telling rich people to quit their CEO jobs and find “alignment.”

Ah Sunday morning. Should I do a craft, cook, clean, or sit frozen and numb on the couch?

Couldn’t get Netflix to work so just watched 2 spiders fighting instead. The young one won.

Damn how is Jake Paul a more gracious winner than our next president?

At my parents house and mom’s got a cow tooth in with the shells:

I’m also mourning the loss of my audience on X….
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~600 improvisers I met circa 2008.

One time I did a show in a very cruisey gay bar. Before the show a man in an ascot walked up to me and asked, “Is there comedy tonight?” I said, “Yes.” He exclaimed, “I must be leaving!!!” And bustled out the door. #gay #comedy #ascot

The only person who has the authority to validate your queerness is yourself… and middle school bullies. #queer

I thought I had bad luck. Turned out I was just an alcoholic.