Pru

If only I could be a reasonable amount of whelmed.

And I'd just as soon not hear about Oliver ... unless there's a twist.

Present company excepted

Ravioli are just savory Gushers

Don’t even tell me about the work of staggering genius unless it’s heartbreaking

Warning: objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.

Please god just put him out of our misery

oh, I'm full, thank you, I've had enough horrors

Why did they call it Watership Down and not Warren Peace

What starts with F and ends with U C K? FIRETRUCK 🤪

Treat yoself!

cramming for this eye exam looking at every fucking thing I can

I've said before: if I were a multimillionaire I'd open a weird little cinema showing movies on my schedule and it would cost 50 cents to get in and I'd let you bring in your own booze.

Hold up...I thought Diana Ross was the Supreme Leader?

Them: you have a sick sense of humor

Me: it is pretty dope isn't it

[at a spider wedding]

congratulations to the newlywebs

Ok why does string theory even exist I'M PRETTY SURE STRINGS ARE REAL

"Are you ignorant or indifferent?"

"I don't know and I don't care!"

"Oh, okay, you're both."

[watching someone cross the street]: ugh, how pedestrian

😭 😭
✊ 🕺🏽

This kinda sucks because I was well prepared to kick ass in a post apocalyptic hellscape in my 20s and now that I'm in my 50s I'm only suited to be a maniac warlord or reclusive enigmatic hermit who'll only help the resistance if they can convince me their motives are pure

This is the way the world ends
Not with a Chumba but a wamba

Right now the only thing keeping me reading Wuthering Heights is the conviction that they are all going to get exactly what they deserve.

if i ever have to land a plane, i’m gonna try to ‘set her down easy’ - that’s a promise

I contained multitudes yesterday; it's your turn to do it.

Any phone can be a burner phone if you chuck it in a fire pit

"I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time."

~ Steven Wright

i would never have my eyebrows tattooed but i would definitely use a clip on

Stop being an asshole

There.

Now I’m your
Life coach

This is absolutely not where I saw myself 5 years ago