The Unruly Misfit

Has to be the worst Halloween ever. Someone stole the baby Michael from our nativity set.

Just got a call. Seems I just won a Tony award for my work in " Can't Stop This Humidity From Sticking To Me".

A coworker asked how do I come to work and do the samething day in and day out?"

*snickering* (I run on insecurities and irrational rage I thought to myself.) " Coffee... Lots of coffee."

Sorry I’m late, I was just sexting with my wife. Well, when I say sexting I mean I texted asking her to Q-tip my ears for me before my appointment with my doctors later, but I did add a kiss.

your Mom stole my Ravishing Rick Rude poster

Somewhere on Labor Day in America, right now, is a group of bald assholes in Hawaiian shirts drinking White Claw and yelling, "It's on like Donkey Kong."

[job interview] ME:*adjusts tie* GUY: is that a breadstick painted black? ME: no GUY: yes it is ME:*sweats so hard my chocolate pants melt*

What started as rocking my 2 year old to sleep has devolved into a jujitsu grappling match.

Safely escaped my family reunion with my wife and kids without being spotted. This was my Dunkirk.

Almost got into a break dance battle in the parking lot of Starbucks. Thankfully, it ended in violence.

What's the difference between the Cowboys and a Chick-fil-A sandwich? Nothing, they both don't show up on Sundays.

The old bag lady in Starbucks just tried to have sex with me. Still got it!

I’m a happily married man but if I wasn’t you’d be really high up on my list. I’m talking top 500 at least.

Top 750, maximum.

Basically somewhere between Yasmine Bleeth and Betty White.

With Betty being number one, obviously.

It's Friday tell your dog I said " Who's a pretty puppy? "

Hate to brag, but back when I was bartending I could juggle 12 olives and stir your martini at the same time.

Just found out that Ozzy died so tonight for 76 minutes I'll be outside Barking at the Moon.

Walmart... because going to Target requires a shower and clean clothes.

The first thing I said to my wife when I first met her. " Your beauty has been living in my mind rent free from the first day I laid eyes on you."

Can't, in hot water with the wife again. Apparently, writing "take a nap first" on my Saturday honey-to-do-list is a no-no.

It's been 20 years since I've been in a McDonald's, but I just confirmed. The urinals still carry the exact same “vibe” and smell as it did back then.

Just fell off the porch and cut the hell out of my back on a bunch of Aloe Vera plants so I'm already fine.

I can't stop thinking about that extra button that is inside my pants. That's a huge burden for a Wednesday morning.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

~ me weighing up whether paying the guy playing the bagpipes to stop will just encourage him even more.

It’s not easy only being a B cup ball sack

And just like that, they became strangers.

You can't fool me I'm not paying attention.

Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
A red flag I pay attention to.

Love is sharing a glance across the room at a party that says, “We’re totally gossiping about these people in the car later.”

Gonna dice up these hopes and dreams of mine and maybe make a soup or something.