Shawn Carlow

Happy Holidays, Everyone!

This part of town is about survival, but I imagine they will.

Sounds like a Meatloaf song.

Religion is what happens when mansplaining gets out of control.

7 even…. Just because.

I can't recommend recommendations enough.

White House job interview question leaked. "You see a boat on the open seas. Which international law do you choose to violate and why?"

Today is that rare day where my hair is kempt and ruly. Usually it's the opposite.

There was a run on calling birds and French hens at the local store today.

Mick Jagger has a great-granddaughter who is two years older than one of his sons. I assume Ancestry Dot Com will eventually cancel the family membership.

WOLF: little pig, little pig, let me come in
PIG: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!
WOLF: what
PIG: i said go away!!
WOLF: no say what you said before
PIG: seriously fuck off

Here's a fun thing you can do. Take the first number of your first name. Force it through the Pythagorean Theorem somehow. Now think about your height (in kms) and add it to your porn name.

That’s the number of calories you will consume this holiday season!

instead of flowers people should throw ham slices onto the ice those skaters need protein

Well, it’s that time of year.

Far away from the rooftop in Snowtown where the reindeer quietly unlatch the sleigh with their magic hooves, Mrs. Claus imagines the peaceful, quiet evening she will have when the reindeer return alone from the sky.

the word "mon·o·syl·lab·ic" has betrayed us

The Bic corporation was started by one man who needed to shave, write something down, and set something on fire at the same time

Conversely, I think there needs to be a strain of mistletoe that allows you to punch someone you don't like in the face.

Since our bodies are all loaded up with plastic anyway, I've decided to get friends and family edible Tupperware for Christmas.

Steadfast.

i hope they spell Zebra Popcornopolis correctly on my death certificate

Crazy Myrrha

And the last thing he took was the log from their fire. Oh, and pizza. He took pizza.

Birdemic: The 12 Days of Christmas

I notice you, but I’m not in notice with you.

The sad truth is that most Grinches die of an enlarged heart.

my magic 8 ball just started adding “bro” to all its responses

I’ve opened a Build-a-Bear Workshop, but I regret the five months I’ve built in for winter hibernation that sees us closed over the lucrative holiday season.

I've been to Whoville, and I now believe that "roast beast" is just their word for low-grade badger flank.

ME: million dollar idea: fmail

GOOGLE: billion dollar idea: gmail

ME: *narrows eyes* trillion dollar idea: hmail