Jay

Holy shit this is accurate

Recruiters be like "I noticed that you have 20+ years of experience in your field- would you be interested in a job that doesn't pay well enough to ever buy a home or comfortably pay bills?"

So many people unfollow me when I say gross sex stuff like they forget this is the internet and that’s basically its entire purpose.

“Hi Kim.This is Ludacris. Yes that Ludacris. Anyway, have I got an extended car warranty for you!”

Her: are you from MN?

Me: ohhh geeeez hOw did yooo knooow?

[Office Meeting] today we're going to work on self care

Me, starting to take off pants: here? Does HR know?

me: why didn’t Ariel just write a note to the Prince after she lost her voice to let him know what Ursula did to her? i mean she signed the contract so we know she can write

pharmacist: i meant questions about the medication

look, all i’m saying is if your packaging says “tear here” and i tear there it should open the packaging

Some shit

This April, only in theaters, like anyone cares

WHEN DID RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE GET SO POLITICAL

What if I continue being weird and off putting? What then?

I mean, it's partly because they need people to keep clicking and seeing ads, and even right now there's like 3 pieces of real news a day, so it becomes "here's what some congressman tweeted in response to this other tweet" to have a constant stream of things to click

My work group chat is straight out of hell

Operation Epic Furry

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast

Bread: what

screenshot of my profile showing I’m blocked by 531 “people”

Screen shot of my profile showing I’m blocking 38 people what a sweet innocent cru

i hope my 531 haters find peace (i thought this number would be way higher)

A glass jar with a brain and labeled Do not use this brain. Abnormal

Morning Bluesky.

the face that housed a thousand chips

don’t be such a sensitive Susan
I just said your baby isn’t cute I didn’t slap it

i’m too awesome to suffer any consequences from hubris

They should stop coming out with guys who suck shit

they should make cement blocks with better arch support

Can’t afford Ozempic, so I’m ordering a couple tapeworms.

I feel like I'm going insane when I try to read news and every site is at least 60% straight opinion pieces, and you have to like double check that whatever you click is an actual news article

A few

Finished Resident Evil Requiem, and it's a masterpiece

I'm not gonna eat anything those goblins have touched lol

Even if they won't eat the crust, seeing how much of a slice of pizza BEFORE the crust my niece and nephew throw away hurts my soul

Meatballs are cake pops. In this essay I will...

Can't, redecorating my crying cave