Soapy Norris

My favourite movie of the 2010s was The Mandela Effect with Brad Pitt and Jennifer Lawrence but I can’t find anything about it on IMDB

Cockney weekender at the local. Having a sing song rahnd the joanna. Pie & mash was ‘andsome.

When Trump dies, nobody will be holding his hand.

Not everybody can fuck off as much as Laura Kuenssberg can fuck off.

Laura Kuenssberg can fuck as far off as it is possible to fuck.

I know it's not the main issue, but what's the FIFA protocol for when a host nation for a world cup attacks or declares war against a participating nation in the run up to the competition? especially when the head of the host nation is in receipt of your inaugural peace prize?

Matt "Good win"? More like Matt Cunt

Hit: remembering you have a whole packet of chocolate digestives in the bread bin.

Shit: opening the bread bin to realise your son found the chocolate digestives and in fact you have zero chocolate digestives.

I’m at my local non-league club for the local derby. It’s muddy, it’s pissing down with rain, there are about 200 people here, balls keep getting hoofed over the fence, some people have brought their dogs. It’s brilliant. #properfootball

Went to a record fair earlier, the price of entry included a mystery bag of six 7” singles.

Just got home and played them, they’re an interesting mixed bag (literally) of genres including rock n roll, disco, prog, pop and dogshit.

I saw a post on @fesshole.bsky.social and thought oh for fuck’s sake I was going to submit the exact same thing, how has some other fucker stolen my confession? Then I remembered I had actually submitted it a week or two ago so that fucker was me. I’m an idiot.

“We”. Yes this was definitely written by a Brit. Definitely.

my god you’re right

I am currently grinding my way through season 5 of Stranger Things, and increasingly I’ve been feeling it would’ve been better to have renamed the show The Same Fucking Things.

Lego Jimmy Carr

What happened to Bakers Oven that’s what I want to know

Insignia may have been crap but I would LOVE to be able to smell it again, even just once, to trigger all the 1985 memory flashbacks

I hadn’t seen any news today so probably a bit behind with this, but am proud to announce that before he died my grandad gave me his WW2 medals which means I stormed the beaches of Normandy on D Day.

Rats from a sinking ship.

From a sinking ship to a stinking shit.

Only one of these outcomes is unacceptable

I went to the one in Brighton and am just off to check the spelling of something before hitting reply

Top five video game duologies of all time that are perfect as they are and should be left alone without a third in case it spoils it

Half-Life
Portal
Dishonored
Red Dead Redemption

and…?

#Games

Just started watching season 5 of stranger things and I’m probably very late to the party but I’d like to confirm that all the 25-30 year old teenagers are jolly convincing

yeah well I just stood next to Siouxsie Sioux beat that

Just went to text “do you want anything from the bar” to my wife while not really looking at my thumb or the screen, thankfully noticed before I hit send that autocorrect had changed it to “do you want anything glutton gut bag”

This risks undermining the dignity and stature of the FIFA peace prize

Maybe losing bookings is something that should be easily foreseeable if you change your venue’s name from “The Beloved National Icon Center” to “The Racist Pedophile and Beloved National Icon Center”

It is not every day that one encounters a word for the first time and resolves to use it at every appropriate opportunity from that point forward.

But today is such a day.

I’ve been to both old and new Wembley for both football and gigs.

Old Wembley for football was best. New Wembley for a a gig was worst.

Boxing Day menu:
Sikandari Raan
Hoisin Salmon
Gammon with marmalade glaze
Too many roast potatoes
Red cabbage with apple, dates & sherry
Carrots in maple & star anise
Sprouts with chestnuts
The European cheese mountain