regular sized ackman

Everytime you crack open an import beer it should play the Counter-Strike "Terrorists Win!" soundclip

Bram Stoker's Ruth's Chris Steakhouse

Well it's like they say: if you aren't a wasteland raider in your 20s you have no spirit, if you're still a wasteland raider in your 30s you aren't a very good raider

Batman spent a decade with the league of shadows learning how to do this and then he picked up all the karate and shit in the last week

Spider snared me in her web once and there was like a long contemplative break and then a little while later I saw her building a new web on the other side of the rose bush

Never in the same place twice - habits are for nuns

Me: what the fu-

The company: it was 13:00 on September 14

Me: ah, say no more

Internet recipe writers have a paranoid obsession with "gluey" mashed potatoes - a thing which in over a decade of making mashed potatoes several tines a week I don't think I have ever once experienced

Ants are the only other species known to have developed porno

I launched a spinning back-kick in 2023 and at this point I'm starting to get irrevocably dizzy

February black berries. President Sheinbaum, I am standing by

First guy to figure out you could make a noise by blowing through an animal's horn was probably on some freak shit

It's going to be a bad autumn to be an apple

Vizier: Dire news, Your Grace. It's humpty dumpty. He's.. had a great fall. He's cracked, Your Grace

King: No matter. Simply have all of my horses and all of my men attend to him

Vizier, tears in his eyes:

Merry: the closer we are to danger -
Pippin: - the farther we are from harm!

Treebeard: oh my god shut up, just shut the fuck up! You've been talking all day. Nobody wants to hear it. We don't care what you have to say, just stop fucking talking!

It's the cinema experience that has critics saying "I don't know"!

"I overslept and missed it" - Dolly Rigg, The Times

"My car was in the shop" - Cam Era, The Globe

"Doctors say I had a transient 108 minute amnesia event. They've never seen anything like it" - Erik 'Dutch' Angle, The Tribune

Don't call me bro unless we share a mother. Or we've shook hands, or been in the hardware store at the same time, or we're wearing the same jeans. Or if you think my eyes are pretty

My high school football coach's advice for making love to a woman was the same as his advice for winning a college championship: if you ever do it, come back here and tell me what it's like

Having watched the superbowl, I think we can all agree there is too much DEI (white players) in the league

Last 48hr: grandma doesn't recognize me, dad backed my truck into a pole, found out gf cheated, cat pissed in my bag. I've done my part to soak up negative energy do not let the pats win

If the pat's win I might do it

pulling up to the studio and open mouth coughing on the beat

Only the good go young. And that leaves a lot of us bastards standing

"Bad things come in threes"

Me: Oh good, we're nearly out of this!

Bad things #30 and #31

They are putting me in a trash compactor. I'm not worried though, it's obviously not a very good compactor if they call it that

Oh hoh.. what's this? A good night? Mind if I just - *goes gently into it*

There should be a burlap sack owner registry. Not saying everyone who owns a burlap sack is bad, but I'm seeing the patterns