Peri Winkle

Cillian Murphy in 28 Years Later looking dead and emaciated

My houseplants watching me pour water in the coffee maker

I killed a spider Not a murderous brown recluse Nor even a black widow And if the truth were told this Was only a small spider Sort of papery spider Who should have run When I picked up the book But she didn't And she scared me And I smashed her I don't think I'm allowed To kill something Because I am Frightened.

"I don't think I'm allowed to kill something because I am frightened."
—Nikki Giovanni 💔

#poem #poems #poetry

curling my hair with warm hotdogs

Corn dogs are white people tamales

Se7en is a Christmas movie because people talk about the Bible and Brad Pitt gets a present at the end.

this non-bend is my favorite. this is me pretending to care if a bit of diced onion went under the oven

punished rudolph

his pen is too small, he looks like he's being raised for veal

we need a disney princess who eats beef jerky and masturbates

IKEA INTERVIEWER: Welcome. Make a seat.

ME: Lol, you mean take a seat?

INTERVIEWER: *throwing a screwdriver at my head* MAKE A SEAT

I'm a soldier
In a Greek horse I hide
I'm one of
Several others inside

- Trojon Bon Jovi

The good thing about Steven Seagal movies is that you can just turn off the shit and watch something else.

sorry to the nerds with weird DNA; cilantro tastes good as hell

every day I understand a little more why Arya Stark kept that list

Sure thing, Sharepoint. I want to open Excel in my browser. Why not. I want to open my powerpoint slides in minesweeper. I don't care anymore. I want to open a can of coke in a thirty foot concrete cube. Fuck it.

Who else saw the movie about Martha Stewart? I've been thinking about all the damage one man – James Comey - has done to women and our country, and he likely feels zero remorse or has no clue. 😡😡

Watched it today and thought the same thing!

I got 100 problems but the inability to round up ain't one.

Picture of two slices of bread, one stacked on top of the other crust side, with ham and cheese in between

This is, technically, a sandwich.

I wonder if Grimace's dick has the fur on it, or if it's like a Red Rocket sort of thing, like a purple fire hydrant sliding outwards

My Barber: *standing, hands at his sides, staring at me in the mirror, unblinking*

LIFE HACK: Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

At 53, I am finally at Stage 2.

🎵deck my halls into pieces/this is my last noel🎵

idk why the winner of a ufc fight has to talk to joe rogan they should make the loser do that

Did you know? Black Friday is named in honor of Rebecca Black, who invented Friday in 2011.

This was the funniest thing I saw online today. 😂

Shout out to the top 5 skies in the world, pie in the, reach for the, excuse me while I kiss the, Lucy in the, and Blue.