zuck eats bees

There is nothing melted cheese cannot correct, except for maybe an open chest wound.

(saying my daily affirmation) Yes

BLIND DATE: i can’t wait to meet you

ME: (a vegetarian) the fuck you say to me

ME: (first day practicing Bug Law) May it please the Court—
BUG JUDGE: (sternly) Bug Court.

Devil: oh wow you’re already doing it. I was coming here to tempt you.

Me: [munching apple] you smoke, bro?

Pets will disrespect their dietary restrictions without a second thought . That’s why they didn’t created society

Shaved 5 minutes off my morning routine by brushing my teeth and riding the mechanical duck outside the supermarket at the same time

learning things about myself as i struggle to open a pack of batteries

Given how it sounds like “sex” you’d think I’d find the number sextillion funny. But the light has gone out of my life. I just see it as a number.

just reported dracula to the fbi

Self-driving cars are haunted cars. Elon Musk is killing people and embedding their souls in cars. That's why the cars sometimes burst into flames, as poltergeist activity goes haywire. Elon must stop this black magic. He is playing with forces he cannot control.

Я и вижу, не очень классно получилось. Пацан расстроился!

Urban Planning Opinion Progression xkcd.com/2832

you are a complete fucking idiot if you don't reincarnate as a crustacean for real

kid banana: what happens when we die?

grandpa banana: we become bread

kid banana: like jesus 🥹

grandpa banana: shut up it’s not the same at all

There's a lake in your dresser drawer, your favorite t-shirts whimpling in the sediment beneath the lily pads and the water striders. You're going to be late today.

Reddit or cosplay conventions I would assume

a medieval drawing of a naked couple lying in an ornately carved bed under red and gold covers, watching a small naked baby that is hovering in front of them

"steven, that damn baby is back"

your honor, my client wants me to remind the court he is a smol bean and {leaning to listen to whisper} and it is his birthday he is a smol bean birthday boy

aw hang in there

The old Victorian mansion calls you in the night, drawing you up the stairs to the boarded up attic. You pry at the entrance; the door creaks open. There’s a music box on the mantle, draped in cobwebs. With shaking hands you lift the lid…
🎶 Never gonna give you up 🎶

ME: may I have a knife please?

WAITER: what kind of knife

ME:

WAITER:

ME: *prolonged eye contact* a very sharp knife

WAITER:

ME:

WAITER: no

Dracula turns into a bat to avoid detection or for selfish personal travel purposes, whereas I would turn into a bat to pollinate local plants and help balance our precious ecosystem. Just one of several ways that I am morally superior to Dracula.

big if true

Leonardo da Vinci drawing a near prefect recreation of a furby in one of his sketchbooks, then shaking his head, crumpling the paper and throwing it away in disgust before drawing a helicopter

Crow’s always sitting on top of a skull. You see a skull, pretty good chance there’s a crow on it. And I’m always like dude that’s pretty smooth for a seat, how you managing that? Let me see your talons dude