How does “Trump Wants a Quick Victory” even qualify as a news headline?
05.03.2026 16:40
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How does “Trump Wants a Quick Victory” even qualify as a news headline?
Since I was a teenager, I’ve been hearing people say that being funny is sexy. I really liked that idea, and knowing that there are women who want to fuck Elon Musk has blown it all to shit.
Things need to be sane. The world needs to make sense again. And you may think I’m being petty. But as soon as I am emperor, one of the first 25 things on my to-do list will be having all of Elon Musk’s cosmetic procedures reversed.
Glenn Greenwald pouting that he was lied to when Trump said he was the anti-war candidate is literally the first thing that's ever made me think that Greenwald might actually believe some of his own bullshit.
Subhead of the latest issue of the Kennedy-assassination-conspiracy newsletter JFK Facts, which focuses on Noam Chomsky: “The anti-imperialist titan of the Left and defender of the Warren Commission was also a pal of Jeffrey Epstein. What does that tell us?” Wait, don’t tell me! Let me guess!
What did Bari Weiss say to wrap up her first communique with her new minions at CBS? "Fuck the news," something like that?
"Dr. Attia was one of several high-profile contributors recently named to CBS News by Bari Weiss, the new editor in chief of CBS News, alongside Andrew Huberman, the health influencer, and Casey Lewis, the Gen Alpha Substack trendspotter."
This is cancel culture! I expect to see a fiery investigative report in The Free Press.
I wonder if Trump will thank John Roberts after the State of the Union again.
With its invention of absolute presidential immunity,the MAGA justices made it clear,months in advance of Trump’s return to the White House, that they will go to any lengths to protect him.By striking down his tariffs,the saner ones are making it clear that this includes protecting him from himself.
The Pervert Formerly Known as Prince Andrew, ladies and gentlemen.
“British police on Thursday arrested Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, formerly known as Prince Andrew…” Okay, I’m going to need a week before I can stop laughing at this.
From Jesse Jackson's 1984 election-year hosting gig on SNL, one of the very strongest fusions of politics and pop culture produced in this country in my lifetime. (Sadly, forces of racism and reaction have conspired prevent me from finding the game show sketch "The Question Is Moot" online.)
A Bulwark headline reads "Is George W. Bush a Coward--or Just Wrong?", and now we can officially retire the concept of "Two things can be true." If they'd asked, is he stupid too, we could have had a trifecta.
Happy Year of the Horse
ow Playing: Nathan J. Robinson interviewing Jamelle Bouie for Current Events. Anybody know what's the story with Robinson's voice? Either he's doing William F. Buckley cosplay, or he's the youngest survivor of a massive stroke I've ever heard.
Gonna ask A.I. to show me a fight between Robert Duvall's wordless cameo character in THE CONVERSATION and Robert Duvall's wordless cameo character in INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS. Still considering if it should be straight-up bare knuckles or should there be weapons hanging on the walls.
While I recognize that a touch of mystery is essential to the power of great art, I’d still like to know if there’s a reason the dog show announcer sounds like Boris Karloff.
Now Playing: THE SIMPSONS. Noah Wyle’s guest cameo is making me realize that I’ve been watching the brother for more than 30 years and have no idea what he sounds like.
I can’t remember the last time I was this excited about something that I know, with a degree of certainty approaching 100%, is going to suck.
“The Dow is over 50,000 now!” is the 2026 reboot of the Dubya-era classic, “Yeah, well, Saddam’s still dead!”
Featuring a cameo appearance by Noam Chomsky, but at this point, that's like ringing the town bell to tell everybody that Florence Henderson is on THE LOVE BOAT again.
Isn’t this the same worthless doorknob who tried to launch a presidential campaign off his boast that he listened to De La Soul once in his car and was so disgusted he threw the tape in the garbage?
If Trump had ever done anything half as good as that, I could understand the persistent urban myth that at least he’s funny. But he hasn’t, and he isn’t.
Kid Rock did nail it once, just once. In 1999. That “Cowboy” was some funny shit. The whole album’s pretty good, but that song is everything redneck losers like Robert James Ritchie and Phillip Oliver Dyess-Nugent have ever dreamed of being, and the video had both Gary Coleman AND Ron Jeremy in it.
Based on the reports from inside the White House that Trump watched the Capitol riot on TV and loved the energy but was dismayed that his most fervent supporters looked so white-trash tacky, I hate to think what the inside of his head is like when he looks at Kid Rock.
Though America may never have been so bitterly divided, we can still come together as one and share a moment of relief now that the annual ordeal of the inevitable Super Bowl commercial featuring Gordon Ramsay is behind us.
