Alice McFlurry

I feel bad for fault lines. I'd be irritable too if everyone was always blaming me for everything.

I detest the French word for hate.

I’m grateful for everyone who learned English as an additional language because I tried to learn other languages but it turns out I'm really dumb.

The new Acuras are about to be announced so no spoilers, please.

The only thing better than a basket of fried mozzarella sticks would be if they treated them like milkshakes where you finish your mozzarella sticks and then oh look there's a little metal tumbler with some extra mozzarella sticks in it.

I like being chubby because that leaves my skeleton open to the imagination.

They should include a warning that you need more than one pressure cooker to complete most of the recipes in the Anarchist's Cookbook.

My kink is messing with the water pressure in this garden hose.

It's not reassuring that doctors and lawyers only practice.

I get mad whenever my doctor talks about pre-diabetes. Just be patient, bro.

I have so much respect for any adult named Timmy because holy shit that takes a lot of confidence to plow through life as an adult named Timmy.

I'd totally be a helicopter parent because I'd much rather take care of a rad helicopter than a dumb baby.

Congratulations on not having sex to all who celibate.

If you think horseshoes are weird good luck charms, wait until you hear about rabbits' feet.

The poor man's Donald Trump is Donald Trump.

It's a Möbius strip of Calvin peeing on Calvin times infinity.

I was disappointed to learn that my burrito didn't include even a little donkey.

Can we please stop fat shaming Tuesday?

I get so frustrated whenever people ask me questions about things that I have ALREADY talked about. It's as if they're not even reading my LiveJournal.

You will need to pry this ricin from my cold, dead hands.

Custard is like mustard except made from cum.

There has to be a better way to demonstrate the power of dishwashing detergent than by pouring crude oil all over wildlife just to get a good shot.

I’m good with a "mother-in-law suite" as long as they're talking about the Embassy Suites in the next town over.

Seems super stupid to sell seashells by the seashore.

My retirement goal is to do nothing but prance around town in a tutu so everyone will say I aged gracefully.

😂

Who let Schrödinger adopt a cat in the first place?

Kohl's hard cash

What came first, the chicken or the egg?

My ex. Always my ex.

My spouse and I can't have children
because we like sleeping through the night, being spontaneous, and spending our money on ourselves.