Dominic Caruso

It’s Friday. I don’t trust it.

Square pizzas should be the standard. Square drinks and sides too. "Give me 17 square inches of dinner," you could say

ME: if bologna is pronounced “baloney” then lasagna is pronounced “lasaney”

WAITER: ok would you like grated cheese on your lasaney

A lot of people say AI isn't very good for the world and its outputs are routinely unreliable, but these haters fail to see how it's revolutionizing how we incinerate schoolchildren.

I didn't come here to make friends. Unless, of course, you want to be my friend. In which case nothing would bring me greater joy

The rustling in my hair? Oh, that’s just my scalp daemon.

Magic in your hands one minute, dropped and kicked under the stove the next. That reminds you though how the broken fixes itself when you make an appointment and maybe one pretend phone call is a wand

There isn’t a single bird large enough, but my plan to transport 350 billion little birds to the moon will finally result in successfully hatching that big space egg.

a young black angus bull stands on the other side of a fence. On the side facing me is a bright yellow Amish foot scooter. It's a drab winter day.

This might be my favorite picture I have taken so far this year.

I’m trying to learn Spanish. It’s slow going, but feels really meaningful when some little part or other sticks.

views are my own your views are mine as well i own all the views

Making tiny helmets and goggles for my rats so I can send them through the pneumatic tube system at the bank

I tried reducing my dog's polygon count to improve loading times but I accidentally rendered him as an infinitesimal one-dimensional point in spacetime and now I can't remember where I left him

THERAPIST: and this one?

ME: that looks like you kissing my mum.

THERAPIST: what about this one?

ME: also kissing my mum. and groping her a little. why are you showing me these?

THERAPIST: I thought you'd be happy for us.

big day today: my clothing chair has been recognized as an independent borough

I've developed a new 9-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/body wash/deodorant/mouthwash/cat food/motor oil/industrial solvent/condiment called "The Fluid"

I didn’t write this, & you’re not reading it. It’s all part of a long Homeric recitation we’re doing in this ancient amphitheater. Hi, my name’s Αγαμέμνων, btw.

unfollowing and refollowing everyone to keep it fresh in here

this year i am going to hit a cadbury egg with a bat

Sharpening my scythe on a whetstone in the breakroom

cramming for this eye exam looking at every fucking thing I can

I'm a big fan of my neighbor's evil cat and his sinister agenda

[at a spider wedding]

congratulations to the newlywebs

What if there was a mindful way to steal people’s art, pollute Black neighborhoods, and raise everyone’s electric bill?

i wasn’t born in the traditional sense of the word, i just sort of sprang forth fully formed from the middle of a greek salad that someone dropped on the sidewalk

You can use the 'summon' button on my profile page to call on me for aid in battle. Surprised how many of you haven't been taking advantage of this

when life hands you lemons, you have been chosen. it is time. there is no turning back now. you are the Lemon Keeper.

My postman loves it when I try to grab his fingers through the letterbox

hanging out on the ocean floor, eating detritus, laughing, relaxing

Life Hack: Pour milk into your humidifier for a milkier room atmosphere