Tired 🌈🏴‍☠️✨🔇♿🇵🇸

omg I feel so sick and hands numb again. night try to have bath
🤞🏻🤞🏻

a brick wall holding a segestria Florentina spider, its feet just visible at the edges of its tube-shaped web, with a proffered ladybird on a thin twig 1cm in front of it

suddenly got really dizzy and nauseated urgh
tried to feed sally the seg flo a ladybird (there's like a million out here) but she got scared by the wind and ran back inside. the bird shall live to see another day. (I've seen her catch them on her own fwiw)

photo of purple-blue flowers resembling a bunch of grapes, amongst its long, narrow, emerald green leaves is a 7 spotted ladybird; a reddish orange beetle with black spots

outside. it's sunny. dizzy & bad cramps. warm sun cold breeze. can smell flowers. here is a (native!) ladybird on a grape hyacinth.

Telling women they don't know what it's like because it hasn't happened to them!!!
Any woman here who hasn't had to endure some form of sexual assault raise your hand...
I'll wait

dizzy, period
horrible few days not much food
going to try sit outside or by door a second to get air
hopefully can get food but don't really have anything

really cold I'm so tired
no reason I couldn't go in living room but not allowed

forced outside again need to be sleeping but forced outside for who knows howlong

soso unbearably tired so tired

not doing great

in agony still. ears have only continued to get worse. awful tinnitus but that's whatever these days. but the sensitivity and the twitching and the constant, untreatable pain is unbearable. all for nothing. they just yelled and yelled as I begged them not to.

so so tired I will try to find clown pic later
my ears hurt so bad non stop pain in both ears for hours
it's hell
tried emailing ENT again

sorry can't do alt text rn

GP has obsevered it in surgery but says it's "anxiety at being at the doctor's" (something I don't have) every time

if my pulse jumps from 105 when resting to 163 upon standing and then very slowly goes down to 148 after 5 minutes of standing (though it jumps around, often goes up higher again and I can't do longer than 5) and I feel faint the whole time is that indicative of #POTS ?

she admitted that she booked appointments with my GPs under the guise of having my permission, to tell them I was physically and psychologically abusing her

"just go to the police
and they will consult NHS who will tell them that

I am TRAPPED

there is Nothing I can do. NOTHING

when my mum realised I was recording she suddenly said I was physically and psychologically abusive towards here lmao

stepdad sprayed deodorant everywhere again, I had asthma attack terrifying collapsed outside. tried to speak to stepdad and mum both yelled at me constantly causing severe pain, as I begged then to be quieter.

thank you x

same as yesterday and migraine worsening. trying to sleep off, not good.
emailed iron and fatigue clinics again and coubcil🤞🏻

sent a request to the GP, doubt anything will happen

weird night. eyes turned very bloodshot & had a rash, insanely thirsty all night, then vomited on and off for about 2 hours. not sure when I fell asleep, felt completely out of it. woke up with blood on the pillow, had a nosebleed in my sleep. feel like absolute shit today. still thirsty & red eyes.

lovely picture thank you

the bread I'd taken from the packet yesterday and left in my room smells absolutely fine. so it's not the bread turning mouldy (also smells WAY worse and strong, no visible mould. it's like rubbing alcohol and cleaning product smell)
which means something was done to my bread

and caused extremely strong burning in my nose and throat what the fuck what the fuck

what the fuck I went to get some bread from my loaf, not the one they use and it smells extremely strongly like rubbing alcohol or some kind of cleaning thing, I checked and no mould anywhere all in date it smells so strong it literally burned my nose when I smelled the bread

stayed out a couple mins now back to bed, need to sleep can't stay awake at all
hope everybody is well and enjoying spring ! ☀️🌱

anybody who truly believes someone would dedicate their life to faking a disability just to get 200 quid a month to live on is simply deeply stupid. there's no other way to describe it.

OUTSIDE

also saw bumblebee. really hard to type know I shouldn't push it but I have to have SOMETHING I have to share something & feel like I'm alive & exist

deleted some apps so I could take some photos. flowers seen from door. have to put flphone away now

I have vertigo & can't use stairs safely. I live with 2 able bodied adults. if I ask one to please bring up some bread and fruit later I will be told she's not my carer, that I have to do things myself, that I need to move out. there will likely some punishment for asking too. this is my life.

I had the stupid thought again that I should simply push myself to "be better" last night and grabbed my yarn and crochet hooks. as soon as I got set up I was so weak and shaking so violenting I couldn't even start anything. just lay down and cried. what am I even living for?