Justmebutnot1

if bob ross was still around we wouldn’t be in this pickle

“That’s a “NO” from me hog”

Runs away

Places that observe daylight saving time: Sleep experts say the clock change disrupts your circadian rhythm and can harm your health.

Also places that observe daylight saving time: Anyway, enjoy your suffering. See you in six months.

WIFE: *forgets her phone*

ME: *calls wife's phone* hey call me back you forgot your phone

Listening to Alabama by Caroline Kingsbury and yelling Aloe Vera at the top of my lungs

[Looking back into the toilet] I should call him

Panic! At the twitch stream

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast

Bread: what

My plans for today? Same as always; drink coffee and be sexy.

As my dogs manager I’m always tryna find new ways to help him evade the paparazzi

can't think of anything funny, just use your imagination

Just walk around saying ping

INVENTOR OF THE WHEEL: hey give it back jesus

oscar the grouch lived in a trash can, why can't i live in this applebees bathroom

finally read uncle vanya, one more thing i can chekhov my bucket list

me: if i had kids, i’d be such a helicopter mom

you: you DO have kids

me: WHAT

I simply do not understand why aliens don’t want to abduct me

[pulling out laptop on a date] want to see my collection of browsers

A week long celebration of dad jokes, call it The Paternity Fest

*covering your face in soft, slow little kisses before whispering in your ear* if you load the knives blade up in the dishwasher again i’m going to slit your throat with one of them

give a man a fish and he eats for a day, teach a man to fish and he can impress the other men on snapchat

pls join me for my 8hr live twitch stream where i will stare at a wall and sigh

Pee and poo starting with the same letter messes with me from a classification standpoint

Getting an abacus tattoo so that you can always count on me.

biblically accurate corn dogs

Him: (looks at the ground by my feet)

Me: “STOP STARING AT MY TITS!”