mave

[scrolling through youtube for something light-hearted] not now, “big bird at jim henson’s memorial”

If I had an enchanted sword, I would be really smug about people with regular swords

Want a quick rush? Unapologetically enter an elevator. Just walk in, turn around, press a floor button, don’t hesitate. It’s an elevator. You have every right to be there.

Coworker: how are you?

Me: I'm fairly confident today is Wednesday, so okay I guess

The h in whoa goes wherever you want it: woah or woha or hwoa — they're all good. It's just a very accepting word

Saying you’ll get around to it the 12th of never is so unprofessional. I will complete all my tasks promptly by close of business February 30

🦆🍪🍪🍪 (the duck is on duty today)

Are you snowed in today? Do you need chocolate chip cookies delivered by homing pigeon?

*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?

Just had my protection status upgraded from "critically endangered" to "least concern" after scientists discovered a new colony of me thriving in the tidal rockpools off the coast of madagascar

Due to everything, I will not be doing anything at this time

i’m a curling champion because i can do that thing with the ribbon and scissors when i wrap presents

you guys, i miss the olympics

of course i want to be immortal. how the hell else am i gonna have time to read all the books

Watch for me in the Olympics closing ceremony. I’m wearing sugar cane from the halftime show and doing my own thing out there

getting fitted for my barrel ride over niagara falls tomorrow

Please keep my imaginary best friend Louis Longebones in your prayers. He’s 12 feet tall and hates spaghetti and just learned he’s got the rickets

BF: Dinner's ready

Me: One sec, need to write a post that saves the United States of America

Ack!

Yay! Have fun 😄

Habby Birthday! 🎉 has anyone said that yet? 🎂

For eons, if you wanted to sit in a waffle pocket like a maple syrup hot tub, either you got shrunken way down or the waffle got blown way up. What if I told you there’s another way

This cup of coffee is a little bitter, but don't worry. It's nothing four heaping tablespoons of Swiss Miss can't fix.

What brand are those cool jeans?

Just saw a commercial for a book

It's almost gazebo season. Time to get my possum hair Nehru jacket dry cleaned.

Maybe both!

thank u. glad to speak ‘em

Technology peaked when scientists discovered the combination of jelly beans that tastes like a banana split

Thank you, guy with a strong French accent sitting at the table next to me at the café, for saying, on your phone call, “It’s not all that it’s knocked up to be.”

🫶🏻 Appreciate you! 🫶🏻