꓄ꃅꍟ ꉓꍟ꒒ꍟꌗ꓄ꀤꍏ꒒ ꉣꋪꍟꌗꍟꈤꉓꍟ

yea like if im not gonna pursue something on my own i'll just say that. "that wasn't something i'd seek out in my own time but i liked it" feels honest to me

idk. idk idk idk i wish i could just love what i love uncomplicatedly but i guess i dont get to do that

and this is shitty to say but honestly most of the other people ive found who ARE actually into the stuff i like are people i find annoying at best and insufferable at worst. that just makes me wonder if im annoying and insufferable. i know i have been.

i hate that the thing i love most in this world has this big fucking open wound attached to it that i dont know how to heal

and even inside of metal communities, feeling out of place as a fucking queer surrounded by hordes of cis men, people laughing at me for being into cheesier bands like alestorm and dragonforce, casually discussing how much they hate the indulgence of prog. idk

ig its just so easy to think of all the times i was proven right. people close to me throughout decades of my life either politely asking me to turn it off cuz it stress them out or literally yelling at me to shut it off. me taking them to a show and them having to leave early cuz its too much

like my mindset when i think about metal is just permanently "everybody but me and a couple of 50 year old dudes online hates this" and idk what i can do to change that. its a wound that seems to refuse to heal

this is really an exquisite brainworm truly a rare breed

like i can show someone an album or bring them to a show and they can tell me they liked it and somewhere inside me i just dont believe them. like if you *actually* liked it you'd, idk, choose to listen to it in your own time ? or something ?

i think it says something that even when presented with proof to the contrary I still have this like. Nobody Understands Me feeling about the metal stuff i like. its weird and i dont like it

minmaxing irl kinda sucks, being well rounded is so much better

i did have to get comfortable in my womanhood before that hit tho. but damn having a lil bit of muscle to flex for the ladies ? okayyyyy

im only a little bit upset that it took me this long to go "oh actually having strong toned arms would hit" i was so tied to my identity as Noodle-arms McComputerToucher

Obscura - Diluvium Listen to Diluvium on TIDAL

the way this song switches effortlessly between complex time signature shred guitar leads and 4/4 blast beat catchy-ass screams is just. magic. goddamn

lessons were rly good, climbus was rly fucking good, people are so good, now im going to start packing and listen to some FUCKING death metal

i really just want to live alone. by myself. no roommates no nothing. i want my own space. i want my own responsibility. but i sure as hell cant afford that and probably never will so its random roommates whomst i am tentatively civil with at best

it would be really nice if i had a stretch of time for once in my life where i lived somewhere good for me. where i lived in a house where i felt like i fit. i persist nonetheless but i havent rly lived anywhere thats felt right. not even as a kid

i try to roll with it and im not Literally Gonna Be Homeless (i hope) but god it sure feels like i fucked up my entire life and now i'm just going to be jobless and poor forever

miseryposting

i dont want to go to climbing today which means i absolutely one hundred percent need to go to climbing today

ill be fine. moving just makes me want to die bc my credit is absolute shit and im financially irresponsible. after this month i'll hopefully be fine. hopefully

what if i just fucking left new york despite the people i have here what if this was a mistake what if i shouldve just moved to california the whole time and im just trying to make something work that isn't going to work

im so fucking sick of struggling with adhd. im so fucking tired of this. im so tired of my brain not working. im so tired of being unable to control myself. im so tired of feeling like im just a passenger in my own life. im so tired of being unable to even fix the problem

gonna kms myself the pentagon

if i can control my god damn impulses im gonna be off main for the weekend. dont feel good.

im so fucking frustrated that i seemingly lack the self control to even go to bed on time what happened. whats happening. i was doing so well and now i feel like everything is disintegrating

im so fucking awake and i have a full day tomorrow who want kill me

im stressed abt the move and im rly hoping it can help get me back on track. i feel like i was doin great at moving forward with my life til winter hit and home became difficult

havent been sleeping great in general lately

can't sleep