*saying affirmations in the mirror* I am a big horse. I am a beautiful horse with powerful legs. I am fifteen hands tall. No one can catch me because of my powerful horse legs and wild nature. I have all the apples I want
Few tasks more cursed than making a cup of tea in your hotel room. A graceless act. Like artificially inseminating a pig. Sure you might end up getting what you want, but the process only shames all involved.
We are all one people and that person yearns for littler things!
Think of myself as a rational human being until I am presented with a tiny version of a regular-sized object. Is that a little jar of Marmite? No. That is a baby. That is little baby Marmito and I love him with my life.
I immediately regret deciding that today is the day I treat myself to a studded leather jacket.
The problem with receiving a t-shirt via a cannon is that it then completely ruins being given clothing in a conventional manner. yeah thanks for handing me my trousers I guess, you unremarkable old bastard.
If you smell toast, you might be having a stroke... a stroke of luck that is. It’s toast time.
Don't know that I've ever experienced runner's high but occasionally you'll be mid workout when the perfect song comes on and you'll ascend and for the next three and a half minutes everything else is just the background for your music video.
BlueSky: the social media network for kids who were excited when it was a Wet Playtime.
I don't want anybody to be happy. ever. I feel like I have been very upfront about my being a curmudgeon.
when the chef has their little towel casually tossed over one shoulder is probably the closest thing there is to lingerie for men. just a thing of beauty. talk to me about your farm to table philosophy, daddy.
loved the message dude. the little face at the end... fantastic. an "emoji", i assume. does he represent you or me?
No need to blot the paper, just pour the ink directly into my eyes please.
THERAPIST: and this one?
ME: that looks like you kissing my mum.
THERAPIST: what about this one?
ME: also kissing my mum. and groping her a little. why are you showing me these?
THERAPIST: I thought you'd be happy for us.
ok but maybe this time we'll drop the bomb that just fixes everything
If they have secretly married is she now going to be Zendaya Holland or will he take her surname and simply be Tom?
I wasn't cool at school but I was friends with the cool crowd, so when they were all doing drugs I got to be in the control group.
until smart glasses can highlight usable objects i fail to see the point
I did not know this! But it makes sense, the two are so bound, it seems impossible that anybody else could ever have been considered for it.
I had no idea this existed. I guess even Cat Stevens encountered bad drivers from time to time.
I've been listening to Cat Stevens when driving in the hope that it will be a calming influence, which I think may explain why I just screamed 'Oh you... petulant daffodil!' at some dickhead in a van.
Don Draper standing in front of the Mad Men ad pitch board. The board has been cleverly manipulated to read "Busty John Slattery"
oh yeah, well could a computer produce this?
Always weird to hear anything from the Tony Hawk's Pro Skater soundtrack after the two minute point. Why are you still singing? The run's over. No-one's here buddy, we all went back to the level select screen.
(New coworker jumps suddenly startled) oh that’s ominous Susan she likes to emerge from the shadows.. HR are trying to transfer her to a darker realm
I've invented a new device that combines a microscope with a telescope so you can look at regular stuff normal-style
I can't claim to know why the heart's natural state is yearning, but I know what it yearns for.
I will never use AI to produce images. I get my art the old fashioned way, by describing my "assailant" to a police sketch artist until they draw me a picture of busty John Slattery.
Guy Pearce isn't a real name. Stop it. You can't be called Man Stab, you're not one of He-Man's best friends.
Just said out loud, Oooh, I can have the rest of that banana on my granola tomorrow as a treat! What happened to us, old man? Who are you trying to be? You can't lie to me, I watched us make a cocktail out of bourbon and cough syrup.
Wait, Britain has politics as well?? Christ, when will it end
