p5k

I’m pretty sure you don’t need to be a princess to tell if there is pee in a bed.

Oh hey, the video I made with your mom is up to 20 likes on xHamster!

People used to get vaccines for influenza how the fuck is it a job now?

The T in Faheem Najm’s nickname T-Pain is short for taint and comes from his days as a skateboard enthusiast when he specialized in rail slides

I hope my mastodon account never gets hacked because I would be devastated if the world saw my toot about how I want to see a live action Duck Tales

The only vocabulary you need for requesting and affirming consent 🙆

I don’t have citizenship so I can’t promise him my vote but I can promise that his smirk gets me hard 💪➡️🤰

sounds like there’s a child that maybe needs to shut the fuck up

Sure, Janet, I’ll go on an escapade with you! Oh, Minneapolis? No thanks.

I've got 12 peel-and-eat shrimp in my pocket incase anyone is hungry.

pivot → ピボット → pee bot 🤖💦

*fart sound*

Is anyone else concerned that the lady Prince meets in the Little Red Corvette song has used condoms in her pocket? Glad for him that she’s got an ass like he’s never seen, but come on, ma’am, put the used ones in the bin 💦🗑️🙏

I appreciate that many retailers are reducing their prices over the next few days, but why it gotta be black tho?

How often are people striking balls in the World Series of love?

Is it too late for me to bring sexy back?

🧐

A 187’s in progress homeboy
Just as soon as I finish this Po' boy
🥖🔜😵🔫

My mom wants to know where your mom got her Louis Vuitton colostomy bag.