Museum of Twitter

@forallcurious New evidence reveals Earth is trapped in a massive cosmic bubble 2 billion light-years across

NOT NOW

@PREMIUMCONTENT = SOCRATES: slave boy can you tell me the color of this can BOY: yes it is blue SOCRATES: and so you can suppose the beer is ice cold BOY: yes

Ebert me: can you dust my wets? server: you can just ask for Parmesan cheese me, confused, lifts all of my spaghetti with my hands: please. My wets.

Tweet from Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov): [first day as a mechanic] ME: i would say this car is haunted

Tweet from Mat (@MatCro): [airport] GF: I guess this is goodbye ME: I told you, I'm not very good at goodbyes GF: [crying] Goodbye ME: [trying real hard] Hello

@dodgonkulator about a month ago (learning the rules of blackjack for the first time) so you're just trying not to bust? ohhhh ok yeah I have played games like this before

@FuctupMike - 2h Bernie Sanders should be forced to give away 90% of his birthday cake. #HappyBirthdayBernie @HireMelmFunny Replying to @FuctupMike Have you ever been to a birthday party, Mike

@MNateShyamalan 3 months ago what's the lowest stakes conspiracy theory you have? i think airplane mode is a hoax because they don’t want you texting your friends and telling them you're not having fun on the plane

Tweet from Snorklhuahua (@weinerdog4life): There is a button on my microwave that says "super clown" and I do not ever push that button

@pugmane about a year ago Jedi accountant “I see here Qui-gon purchased one ...boy on Tatooine. Wait that can't be right.”

@yhdistyminen This kind of smart, walkable, mixed- use urbanism is illegal to build in many American cities

@whitememejesus Post Malone has the opportunity to do the funniest thing of all time @brooklynvegan : 1d Nirvana reunite again! This time with Post Malone on vocals at the SNL50 concert

@len0killer Grown up sized white baby I'm friends with: The way I be drinking this damn apple juice...ooh chile Me: You can't be talking like that White Baby.

That's hurting my brain but I can't complain about a collection that has two Lush albums.

If we're being honest I'd fix the alphabetizing before playing any of them. Why does each column go from bottom to top?

Sarah Hutto No vaccine is *that* good. The Hill @ @thehill - 38m Fauci says Americans can enjoy holidays with family if fully vaccinated

Cat in the wall, eh? Now you're talking my language!

J_whose When ur cat is stuck in the wall and you throw ham on it

@wyattyhalpert They're giving He-Man pronouns @jondelarroz Now they're making a Masters of the Universe and giving He-man pronouns. These people won't stop until they ruin everything.

They're giving He-Man pronouns

Tweet from Eileen Curtright (@eileencurtright): Oversharing got me into this mess and oversharing will get me out of it

@OkButStill crumbster: Hi, hawaiian bread forum newb but i've enjoyed it for years. Got a loaf of Lewis (budget fav) today. It seems not as sweet lately? anyone else notice this? Tj Lee (Mod): Well, I'd link you to the rules, but you must have read them and decided to break every single one

@youwouldknow a day ago Imagine they bring Kate out to prove she’s fine but then they cut into her & it turns out she’s actually Cake Middleton instead. Will the horrors never cease

@HelloCullen 8 days ago ai wont replace you but a person using ai will. that person is CEO's stupidest nephew. his name is Chart and he got kicked out of his frat for killing a dog

@sabbox97 about a month ago religion @wesyang about a month ago It's super interesting that there are cultures where homosexuality is grounds for death but raping boys is fine, what's a good explainer of this phenomenon?

Tweet from chuuch (@ch000ch): [slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me] i am also free that day.

@CallumMcNab93 Just got 4 drinks at the drive thru n that guy asked 'do ye want a cupholder’. Obviously a do ya fucking reprobate am no a fucking octopus

@maiamindel 4 hours ago Joining the dialogue with Eutyphro on the side of Eutyphro @no_earthquake 14 hours ago brother there’s another class after the intro @aelfred_D I am begging people to take an intro to philosophy class @mclovenxoxo: 1d people who think you can’t have morality without religion scare me bc wtf do you mean????

tom philip, moron. It's fucked up that the dog from frasier probably thought it was all real

@HotPaperComics When you die they should make a tiny funko pop version of you from all your microplastics