bacon popsicle 🍑💨

To add a little whimsy to your day why not get a squeaky toy surgically implanted into your buttocks and just marvel at the endless hilarity that ensues every time you sit down?

I would say I was a trophy husband, but more of a participation trophy than a winner's one

"Looks like milk's back on the menu, boys"

-baby orc

Pouring one out (peppermint hot chocolate) for the homies.

I'm not exactly sure what radishes were invented for but it definitely wasn't eating

If a toy says try me, I'll try it.

I bet you didn’t know your favorite toy as a kid says a lot about who you are today

sigh detector test determined that was a sigh

Shoutout to my grandma, who gave my grandpa the exact same Valentine’s Day card every year for decades. He’d read it, or convincingly pretend to, like it was brand new. She’d smile, take it back, and put it in the drawer for next year. Recycling. Romance. Ruthless efficiency. RIP, lovers.

This moment in time really drives home the FIFA Peace Prize’s stellar reputation for significance.

Some of you have never been to Boogie Wonderland, and it shows.

Every friend group needs one person whose dating life reassures everyone else that being single was the right call, or that maybe their marriage is actually doing just fine. I’m that person.

Me pot o’ gold is a pile o’ shite
-self deprechaun

I bet calling it a “solar system” gave the sun a big head

I like to yell ‘bombs away’ when I cum so I’m regretting coming to Dubai for my honeymoon.

My beautiful new wife on the other hand is regretting staying chaste until our wedding night.

A toy replica of me with my dad bod.
An inaction figure, if you will.

Have you ever noticed that some people are funnier when you drink and more lovable after they leave.

record co. ceo, 1973: record sales are down. you’re toast

Bread: what

One time I gave my dad porn for Christmas.

if friday was spelled friyays would we still be complaining about monyays

Happy Pokemon Day to all who celebrate.

I don't need full service wealth management, I need full service debt management

The blood flooded elevator scene…

Do you think they gave Britney a breathalyzer or just viewed her last social media post?

Who among us doesn't want bolder brows?

our company’s monthly SEO report says our top keyword is up 69 positions and now my tongue hurts from biting it so hard

I’m not surprised as an adult that I was never kidnapped as a child.

Outdoor fruit stand with huge pyramid of oranges and tall round banana display.

they’re just begging for a car chase

vibe coded war is this anything?

why, yes. yes it is