Zack

👏 Crouton! 👏👏 croutoff! 👏👏 The crouter! 👏👏

The meat on the front of the thigh doesn't get enough love. Shout out to front thigh meat!

[lost in the woods]

oh great, a cross country skiier someone who knows the way “hi can you help me i’m lost??”

[she stops, lays down, and pulls out a gun, shoots me 5 times with perfect accuracy and then takes off again]

If your circle has jobs you’re in the wrong circle

One of these days I'll be happy, then they'll see. they'll ALL see

I'm the first in my bloodline to have a stupid haircut but be too depressed to be bothered to fix it

The best trick I ever learned is covering your food with a damp paper towel in the microwave 🙂

Still thinking about this one 🤤

Looked back at my tumblr from 16 years ago and geez louise I was a fucking loser. It's crazy I ever fucked

RIP Robert Duvall, you would have hated this twitter outage

Ruth Schris

I'm just a vehicross in an aztek world

So when she was in racial chat rooms showing feet... Do we have any evidence of this, like, of the photographic type?

Can we get a movie where Sabrina Carpenter and Jennifer Lawrence play sisters that have a beef over who has the prettier feet and they compete to try to convince a third party (played by me) that they have the best, tastiest feet?

You know the thing about pregnancy tho is engorged breasts 🙂

Gonna dump all my twitter drafts here that I'm too afraid for my wife to see

Okay but I showed this to my wife and she really wasn't that amused by it but I thought it was funny I guess you just have to take the little wins and keep on ticking

non-euclitian space

Me: Where do the hipster skeletons ride roller coasters?
Wife: this is not the time for this the kitchen is literally on fire
Me: no it's at the "bony fair." Get it? Like bon iver? Hipsters used to love that!
Fireman: *yanks me out of the house by my shirt collar*

I like Panda Express orange chicken because it tastes a little bit like pussy

Very disappointed to find out that the 4K Alien restoration where Ripley's bush is out was a joke. I was saving up for it 🙁

My favorite one

Thank God all this shampooing is getting expensive

Inside me are two wolves and they both want me to jerk off

Does anyone know if there was a deleted scene in Alien where Ripley was wearing fishnets and picking up grapes with her toes or was that a dream?

You know God's a little jokester because he made a shmeat packing mofo like me have a regular kind of dick instead

When the mom from a Christmas story was dressed like a jester 😏

I'm sick and tired of every company tracking your web activity. Like I've never listened to Sabrina Carpenter in my life so why is she suddenly popping up on my Spotify recs right after I looked her up on wikifeet? 🤔

Visiting my parents for Christmas and they don't have bidets on their toilets I'm living in the fucking stone age kill me

They should invent a senator from texas who deserves to live