Harlo

thanks ♥️
I'm still in the planning phase, but at least I have reached a point of having mentally processed it.

Yep. That seems to be exactly the case.
I feel it.

For real 🎯

No, I know.
Even if it was true though, it is a sad low blow. Especially considering he was using it to detail the conversation we were having.

Thank you ❤️‍🩹

Thank you ❤️‍🩹

Totally 💯

Sometimes I forget, and I let my guard down and get too comfortable around them— aannnd then I find myself hurt again and remember "oh yeah, this is why I don't visit more often"

I feel this.
I go through periods of not talking to my parents, they are difficult people to have relationships with.
Not that I don't want one with them, but trying to deal with two very broken people who are unwilling to work on themselves is... Draining.
I keep them at arm's length.

I did a lot of work on myself. I reflected. I went to therapy. I worked on my communication skills and emotional stability.

I felt ready for a healthy, mature relationship.
I was just nieve to think that just because I was, didn't mean he was as well.

I found myself parenting my parents when I was 17, in the midst of their divorce.
By 25, I could feel that I was then more emotionally mature than them.
Now in my mid 30s, they seem like troubled teenagers to me.

Had I grown up in a healthy home with supportive parents who were emotionally intelligent, perhaps I would have learned what healthy relationships were supposed to look like.

I think about that often when my partner & family point fingers at each other.
They are so alike, and they don't see it.

He lashed out at me today and told me that my family doesn't love me or our kids.

He's wrong. They love us in their own way, just not in the way that we need.

I'm trying my best. But I know I haven't been at my best due to the circumstances. I know my kids deserve and need better. And this is the way towards it.
It's going to be hard on them. I hope someday they will understand and forgive me.
It took me having kids to really forgive my own mother.

Thank you, I really appreciate it ❤️‍🩹

Thank you 😭❤️‍🩹

Alanis Morissette is such a vibe ❤️‍🩹
The woman speaks to my soul

Thank you 😭❤️‍🩹

Thank you for sticking with me ❤️‍🩹

Thank you 😭

I'm honestly so thankful for many of you who I have gotten to know on Threads (And bluesky, slowly)
It's nice not being so alone through the process, and having people I can announce it to, so that I have some sense of accountability.

I can't stay in this cycle.

I so often hear people say (including my partner)
"I don't understand why she doesn't leave if he beats her"
And I get mad and defend them
Because *I fucking get it*
I may not be physically covered in bruises— but people around me see the harm it does

I'm the first person myself to tell people not to beat themselves up over things— just to do it myself

We hold high standards for ourselves, and it's difficult when we let ourselves down ❤️‍🩹

100%
Good people tend to find it so much easier to be kinder to others than themselves.

I find it therapeutic being kind and helping others myself, as I find it helps me be kind and help myself.

Thank you for the support ♥️

Before I suffered from (long COVID? Major depression?)
I made balanced meals, with fruit and veggies
I went with them to play outside or do activities together

I've only really started feeling better this year.
He never picked up the slack when I was sick.
I'm still playing catch-up on cleaning.

Sure he feeds the kids, but they are getting sandwiches or KD

Sure he watches the kids
Aka, on his PC or sleeping next to them

Sure he dresses them, as long as I have cleaned the laundry

Sure he brings them to where they need to go, if I schedule it

That's about it.

I'll be honest— yes, he has done more of the basic childcare
why?
Because *I let him*
He won't do much, but he will do the bare minimum for the kids. So I let him.
If I did that as well, he would do nothing.

And even then, it's half assed childcare 😒

He says I can't care for the kids because of my depression

The reality is, he is the root cause of a lot of my depression.

He used to cite the fact that I had gone in for help & got medicated as why I'm not fit to parent

Well, now he fits that bill now too. He can't use it on me any longer.

Keyword *knew*

I'm done with believing the gaslighting and manipulation.

He thinks he still has me trapped.

This is why I stayed for so long, and this is one of the many reasons why I'm still planning on leaving.

When the topic of separation comes up, his response is always:

"I'm moving 7+ hours away where no one speaks English, no job opportunities for you, and you know no one.
I will take the kids, because you can't be trusted to care for them"

He knew I can't follow, let the kids go, or trust myself.

A tiny part of me is rooting for him— maybe this time, this will be the time he will change.
My logical brain knows this is not the case.

Even if he does change, perhaps it will just make co-parenting easier.

I can't let my guard down.
I won't.