The longest recorded game of monopoly lasted for 70 days.
“I’m just calling to let you know I’m safe, I started a game of Monopoly just after Christmas, I’ve been in Jail 27 times but please don’t worry about me as Sharon’s just started doing sexual favours to pay her rent”
As an adult, I’ve been mostly disappointed about the lack of people to throw things in my direction and shout ‘hot potato’.
Just off to apologise to my big coat for prematurely putting it away after the sun came out yesterday.
It’s World Book Day and my daughter has gone to school dressed as a minion. Not really a character from a book but if you watch the film with the sound off and the subtitles on, that should cover it.
If female robots had mechanical genitals, the vagina would be fitted with a bulb, so everytime it was opened, it would light up like a fridge.
Did you know, that the biggest cause of death in rabbits, is from magicians who forget to pull them from their hats.
Good point, biscuit arguments can be deadly.
Would be a fun fight to watch, not that I condone violence, I’d rather they settled it with a cup of tea and a civilised conversation.
Who do you think would win in a fight, a hench ant or a hench kangaroo?
Curious to know, If I laid on the floor and covered myself in jam, how many ants it would take to carry me away?
You know what, the world is too negative, to spread some love, when I’m out and I see a ‘how am I driving’ sticker on the back of a van, I’ll call it and tell them that they’re driving like a Boss.
It’s just a thought, but we could probably send some kids out to paper mache a few potholes.
Call it a community art project and it’s completely ethical.
And the texture and the appearance, it shouldn’t be allowed.
You all need to stop pretending that cottage cheese tastes nice.
Six planets are lining up tonight, in the horoscope world that means you should begin to relax because they’re coming for Uranus.
When you commit to having a lazy day at home, then the sun comes out and tries to guilt trip you into going out.
Don’t fuck me with me, I know it’s going to rain again soon.
If I had a clone of myself, knowing my luck, I’d be the one going out to work while they went off down the pub to get drunk and dance on tables.
Sorry, I can’t come out, I’m spending the weekend searching EBay for an authentic Countdown winners teapot.
Sitting here patiently waiting to the win the Euro millions.
Then I’ll fuck off onto my big boat and spend my days skimming pound coins into the sea.
Do you think the first person that decided to start feeding ducks bread, threw the whole loaf at them?
Today the sun was shining, no coat was needed and I saw Lambs…
I can hear the beer garden calling my name… we’ll be together again soon.
Occasionally, I meet people and I automatically know, that when they were children they would pretend the sweets in their Pez dispenser was medication.
Nobody told me that in your 40’s you start using scent boosters and sniffing your clean laundry becomes one of life’s greatest pleasures.
Adding a bit of spice to the bedroom by eating a bag of Flamin Hot Monster Munch in bed.
Telling the younger generation that when we were their age, we managed to survive leaving the house each day without having to carry a 2 litre water bottle with us.
That moment when you realise you forgot to delete your internet history.
Birthday cake with metal nail file sticking out of it.
Prince Andrew’s Birthday Cake has just arrived at the Police Station.
I have a feeling that Prince Andrew’s inability to perspire might have been cured this morning.
I was considering giving up alcohol for lent.
But I decided not to, as the best self discipline, is to never give up.
If you wondered how the new year, new me was going. I’ve just had the police turn up to complete a welfare check. Apparently they had a call from my Gym who have reported me missing.
