Can’t think of a bigger ick than someone chasing a ping pong ball. If I’m playing ping pong and that ball leaves the table- game over. I’m off to do other things now.

:( x

God I miss the 90’s.

At least back in the day racists used to say ‘I’m not racist.. but’, because they knew they were in the wrong. Now they’re just like ‘yeah I’m racist..’, they’re loud and proud about it.

With Trump ASLEEP behind him.

Anyone else?

‘Hang on sweetie, Mummy’s just making year past sell by date pot noodle again for lunch and calling it peasant ramen’. I wink at the dead fly on the window ledge that’s been there months.

I dunno man, surely not wanting people to be shot in the face in the street is Centre, not Far Left/Woke. No?

Please don’t look at me when I’m wearing Crocs, I’m clearly going through it.

You could maybe use it as some kind of meat tenderiser. People would probably pay more for a stimulated cut of beef

Had that dream where you’re cast as Mr Bean in the Mr Bean Play they air at halftime during football games. You know the one.

HELLO

Is that a penguin joke?

The best part was when they said ‘ask bus drivers for help’. Since then I’ve always remembered bus drivers rank higher than police.

😂

Hey congrats: RE age

I’m listening.

Noticed boyfriend had put 2 fans next to each other on the bedside table.
Me: ‘what’s this?’
Bf: ‘I realised, if I use 2 fans at once, it’s like, double the fans!’

And I’ll probably still marry this guy at some point.

Hotels: this is a place for you to relax.
Also hotels: gonna bang on your door at 5am for your towels

Nah. Off socials I still have the rep

I’ve somehow got this reputation that I only listen to songs about horses

Having ADHD is like ‘urgh what was I doing before I was rudely interrupted by myself again..’

Did you write them?

Christ

Pandas have got it too easy.

Been on hold to the doctors for 15 minutes. At the exact time they answered the phone my dog came over to me and I said ‘Oooh hello stinky bum’. 😐

Why have biscuit wrappers taken it upon themselves to do jokes too? Why is that a thing? Please just stick to the biscuits

‘We are going to take back our country’. Why didn’t you do it first time around then?

Cut buying wine out to pay for the gym? Sell the wanking on OF? Here to cure your problems.
YOURE WELCOME

My toxic trait? every time I’m mildly inconvenienced i book a holiday