mon ♡ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ♡

i’d love to go a day without being inconvenienced by a bird

All I want is to be liked by everyone without having to do anything

babe have you seen my socks with the sharks on them, i have a big meeting tomorrow

every romantic comedy would be better if you replaced either of the leads with miss piggy you know it’s true

just watched a tsa agent pat down a service dog,,, this airport is safer than most elementary schools in america smh

if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.

First date idea: get your picture together with 12 different mall Santas and make a full year photo calendar for each of you

rip jonbenét ramsey, you would’ve loved boy bands

Checking on my stocks*
*beef and chicken

i know we're all supposed to be blocking and ignoring but i'm sorry, sometimes i want to get in an argument. it is just who i am as a person and it always has been. i know it's not helpful but unfortunately i am selfish and not everything i do is to be helpful

and you know what, you might as well post it too. because one man's suck is another man's fuck.

unfortunately health insurance is a topic i am very passionate (evil) about. i have been on both the doctor and patient sides of being fucked over and denied coverage and the depth of the hatred i feel is boundless

Live, Laugh, Love that chicken from Popeyes

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Imagine an issue. Wrong, it's more complicated than that

Mark Ruffalo sounds like the name a dog would give if he was pretending to be a man.

WUH OH! 🚨DRAMA ALERT!🚨 The voice in your subconscious making you 😱FEAR YOURSELF👻 takes physical form by 🎮CONTROLLING🕹️ your actions (& therefore your perceptions) more than your OWN 🧠CONSCIOUS MIND🧠 ever gets a chance to. Your only chance of survival is to 💐CONFRONT IT!🤬

Wise Men: we bring gifts of gold frankincense & myrrh

Mary: *exasperated* did you even look at the registry

Joseph: yeah how bout some fucken diapers idiot

The sleepy time tea bear

me in my echo chamber

Imaginary friends:
- transient childhood phase
- adorable
- no cause for alarm

Imaginary enemies:
- paranoid/psychotic
- alarming and threatening
- GOP campaign strategy

Can't believe Punxsutawney Phil predicted that humanity would annihilate itself through tribalism and environmental indifference

me greeting punxsutawney phil when he comes out of his hole today

a heavy concrete building in the brutalist style housing a Kentucky Fried chicken franchise

meet me at the brutalist KFC in ten minutes if u want an ass kicking

Tweet from San Miquel Sheriff Large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking east-bound lane Highway 145 mm78 at Silverpick Rd. Please use caution and watch for emergency vehicles in the area. 11:45 AM Jan 27 2020

happy large boulder the size of a small boulder day to all those who celebrate

these boots are made for w̶a̶l̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ cat

To ants, danger is always afoot.