Lord Rat Squirt

Heathcliff stands outside a pizza restaurant located right at the edge of a cliff. He opens his pizza box and five small lemmings run out of the box and jump off the edge of the cliff. A pizza shop employee and customer watch the scene, and the employee says "Lemmings don't make good toppings."

05 Mar 2026

As a man, I'll never know the miracle of childbirth. But I once got an entire pear in my mouth so that's something.

Call me old-fashioned but in my day, a "selfie" was when you took a photo of yourself with a camera, not pleasuring yourself with foam Hulk hands.

Branch manager branching out

A comparative review of Cinderella and The Wizard of Oz suggests the core takeaway is that women will willingly endure structural foot distress.

I'm not feeling too good but I think I'm just dehydrated. Drinking more salt water.

"I'm every woman, it's all in me." Whitney Houston after the teleporter accident.

Being up for the job of Iran's Supreme Leader could be most ill-advised move since Gary Cherone joined Van Halen.

For those thinking about being Iran's new Supreme Leader, they must be asking themselves: "am i really evil enough or do i just wanna look evil to my pals?"

Heathcliff and an alien walk out of a comedy club. The alien says "My joke about Uranus' 29 moons killed."

03 Mar 2026

I will struggle in the afterlife...Ouija boards ship without spell check.

Ever since started cleaning urinals, my life's gone down the pubes.

Knowing this administration, Trump probably bombed Iran to distract from the high price of gas.

Umm, is there still time to reconsider the whole Nobel Peace Prize for Trump? He appeared to have then been restraining his bellicose urges on the hopes of receiving it.

I'm a lot like Brendan Fraser in Encino Man in that I too break into museums and try to start a fire after learning distressing truths

I've seen enough. Clearly this experiment is working. It is time for a Michael C. Jordan.

Get thee behind me, Satan! And, while you’re back there, no butt stuff.

"Epic Fury" sounds like one of those goofy "artisan" hot sauces that got named that because the guy's girlfriend vetoed him calling it Anus Destroyer or similar

Oh gosh! I just got caught gooning with my kids' VR headset. Even more embarrassing, it was to Sonic the Hedgehog.

Why are you still slouching towards Bethlehem when you could longboard

I miss Ronald McDonald, and I regret ever saying anything bad about him, even though he fingered my wife while making eye contact with me.

mike tyson's full name is mike thank you son

I can't wait for machines to take over so we can fix the government with a Game Genie code.

Don’t you dare disrespect me! I’m wearing sweatpants and my boner will show.

Asimov's Fourth Law of Robotics: Have fun!

I need to mic my toilet because sometimes I miss the perfect snare sample, and that is humanity's loss.

[painstakingly transferring my bodily waste to the sink]

Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.