Woodrow Peel 🆗🆒

BREAKING: Reports of fish crawling back into the sea.

Kristi Noem carrying a blanket in the street

Kristi Noem Flees DHS With Fav Gov't Blanket

Photoshop of Senator Fetterman holding a giant hot dog on a bun covered in mayonnaise

John Fetterman Further Infuriates Democrats With Support For Giant Mayonnaise Covered Hot Dog

And they shall know me by the trail of sesame seeds from my morning bagel.

Just started the new Jason Statham movie, Shelter, and I gotta say, he's really returned to his roots as a former elite black ops assassin living a quiet life in a remote town when his old employer comes calling

Harambe's face appeared on a scratching post. The gorilla habitat is closed while we seek confirmation of a miracle.

My local sushi spot is so dope. A guy asked for a fork instead of chopsticks and the waiter returned with a katana and decapitated him

The CEO of Waffle House, gently throwing a chair but then really getting into it

Keith and I are racing to his place to watch my all-new #Dateline tonight at 9pm eastern called ‘The Professor And The Poet.” Then we’ll play Boggle™️ and go to Tim Horton’s®️ (he lives right above it).

Joined a new group oscillating at high frequency in the park on weekends

I've been informed that if you have to explain a dad joke it's a fail

BREAKING: Reports of fish crawling back into the sea.

one time my aunt stopped speaking to me for six months bc i dropped in the chat that chick-fil-a is closed on sundays so their employees can go get their abortions

Give me the beat boy and free my soul. Oh, I can’t have both? Hmmm. Then I’ll just take that beat boy. He’s my beat boy now!

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

Kristi Noem in a superhero outfit with a crest that reads "Shield Of The Americas." She's superimposed over a rippling American flag.

Kristi Noem Sworn In To Newly Created Position, "Special Envoy for The Shield of the Americas"

To: All Staff
Subject: Marketing

We've rebranded the Murder Hornets as the Buzz Kills™️
Please note updated signage in the apiaries.

“BREAKING: The United States has threatened to drop their biggest bomb on Iran. B-52s are being loaded with DVDs of the Melania documentary.”

Heroes (David Bowie acoustic cover) YouTube video by Half a Person

from the archives: because what the hell anymore:

youtu.be/8w6nP4wGbTs?...

It's war, people die. Sometimes they get bone spurs and have to ride in a golf cart.

Went to the Bone Temple and they were worshipping your mom

Photoshop of Noem in a leather superhero outfit with a crest that says "Shield of The Americas." She's wearing an eye mask.

The KAOS logo from Get Smart. It's a vulture perched on a globe.

As Special Envoy To Shield Of The Americas, Kristi Noem will need to make many costume changes, depending on what part of the Americas she is shielding from KAOS.

I borrowed" this photo from @therealdrip.bsky.social

Kim Jong-un with a very flat and square shaped head and haircut.

Photoshop of Kim Jong-un wearing an ill fitting squarish hat that says "SUPREME LEADER"

Kim Jong-un Struggles To Find Hat That Fits Box Shaped Head

All that plastic surgery, published puppy murder, public lying, wanton corruption, performative and actual cruelty, for nothing.

BREAKING: Donald Trump Declares World Peace After Blowing Up the World

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be supportive. Say stuff like, “Nice battling, dude.”

Good news! The new Secretary of Homeland Security never murdered a puppy.
Bad news:

Pam Bondi in her office, surrounded by dead plants.

Pam Bondi In Her Office, Preparing To Testify To The House

The lions, tigers, wolves, bears, rhinos, leopards, and chimps got out. We don't really have a plan but we're confident it'll be ok.

The CEO of Waffle House, gently throwing a chair but then really getting into it