Norm

The gap in my resume is from being released into the wild.

i think if dr seuss was alive to see such times he would have said fuck this shit but you know with rhymes

My cat always tries to bite my phone when I'm using it and I am starting to think maybe he is trying to save me

Heh. I didn't like the last one. I probably won't like the next one. I definitely don't like this one.

nice! congrats!

Might drive past the gym today.

i’m so old I remember before autism had a name and it was just,
“remember that drug dealer’s brother who rattled off facts about hugh hefner for 3 hours while we were on acid.”

popping a little blue pill to walk around walmart in gray sweatpants as a bit

These are the 4 things AI can do well:

•Clean up your email inbox (badly)
•Give my shittiest neighbor (Alan) something to talk about at a party
•Tell a 12 yr old to kill himself
•Incinerate a school at 10:16 AM on a Tuesday

You can see why we need to base our economy around it

I'm high on life! <derogatory>

If I can see what you see..me without my glasses.

*sucking mayo off of my top* i’m bringing sexy back

We don’t talk enough about Norman Bate’s prowess with a mop. That fellow could clean a floor

if I say "no cap" there is a very high likelihood I've misplaced the lid of my beverage

the championship series in the world baseball classic should be called the north american series

I lack the words to capture it, but ... it's just endlessly remarkable to me that so many people in our society have chosen trans kis -- TRANS KIDS, the smallest, least significant, most vulnerable demographic slice you could possibly pick -- as a repository for all their fears & insecurities.

Have you ever noticed how farts disappear if you ignore them? Seriously. If you pretend you didn't hear it, did it even happen?

It’s the sound of one ass cheek clapping, and as long as you’re the only one in this elevator, nobody’s there to hear it.

If you're lousy at spreading mortar, you might as well throw in the trowel.

Warning: drinking wine with a bullfrog named Jeremiah leads to joy to the world.

A welcome mat that says “Welcome Matt” so only Matthews will feel good about visiting.

I am completely delusional (complimentary)

[handing my date her special home cooked meal] they snap, crackle AND pop, Denise

GENIE: what is your wish

ME: an ice cream cone from mcdonalds

GENIE: sorry the machine is down

as the dalai lama once said: give a wham give a bam but don’t give a damn

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

(turning a big rusty crank) let’s fire up another day here on the bullshit machine

Guys don't like it when you call their penis a manhandle. Booo

my adhd is off the c-h-a what if the horizon was velcro on its last rip

Do you know why an apple day keeps the doctor away?

Fiber you dumb mother fucker.