[cryptozoologist meeting]
me: what are the results of this recent bigfoot sighting investigation?
fellow enthusiast: we only found one set of footprints and they were human
me: aha! [remembering hearing about a similar situation] that was when jesus carried the sasquatch
just chipped in. much love 🥰
honestly? what a way to go out
i wanted to make a joke about how it's 90 degrees outside but i couldn't find the right angle
look i know she ate a worm but we are not here to debate de bait deb ate
me: [using a sharpie to add lines for each kid's new height] hey look you've each grown an inch since last year's mark lol
7-11 employee: please stop marking on our height strip
whenever i write a dollar amount i always include the number of cents, but that's beside the point
if you've seen one santa you've seen a mall
my apologies
if you've seen one santa you've seen a mall
Friend: ants can lift 50 times their body weight. I wish I could do that
Me: dude you can easily lift 50 times an ant's body weight, that's like a staple
All the other scientists are yelling at me because I’m wearing the Doomsday Clock like Flavor Flav
GRANDPA: *pulls a quarter out of each of my ears*
ME: Dude, put those back. I was listening to 50 Cent.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
hospital boss: we're promoting you to the top position in our new ward
me: oh great! which ward?
hospital boss: psych!
me: aw dang, i thought you were serious :(
Live, Laugh, Love that chicken from Popeyes
doctor: what seems to be the problem today
me: i broke my ankle recording a stunt for my epic youtube prank channel lol
doctor: i see [writes "patient is fucking cringe" on clipboard]
[30 seconds before Mt Vesuvius erupts on Pompeii]
earth: watch me pop this zit lol
I’m feeling il [sic].
of course this isn't a bot account. they don't exist here on #(00, 00, FF) sky
Good cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Bad cop: gtfo of the car
Neighbor cop: I'm gonna borrow your lawnmower then return it broken
smol bird
this is a good, mythical reference
wow she got you too??
writing a theme song for locksmiths and omg so many key changes
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: plz verify your birthday
me: it's this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don't have to get me anything
reception: um, ok
me: there's really nothing i need
reception: i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i'm size 12
[while being tackled by police dog] what's his name?
where you see only one set of footprints in the sand, my child, that is where redbull gave you wings
