Davoid

maybe america shouldn't've made a horror-clown into its totalitarian god-emperor idk

My child has made up a treat called “barbarian jello” which is simply jello that you eat indelicately with your hands

Lorem ipsum dolor dollar bills y'all

the spanish trade ban is really going to make my cask of amontillado all the more alluring

sommelier: would sir care for wine?

me: care for it? I’d nurture it like it’s my first born

A black and white image of a middle-aged man sitting outside on stone steps surrounded by stacks of hard bound books. He is holding a pair of broken eyeglasses with a look of disbelief on his face. It’s Burgess Meredith from the “Time Enough At Last” episode of Twilight Zone (1959).

during my next rap battle i’m going to compare them to the gross little strings you have to pull off of your banana

GUYS IT’S ALMOST SPRING I THINK I JUST HEARD MY FIRST VAJAYJAY

Hard boiled 3-egg omelette

gonna start calling mistakes "sandwiches" because clearly, sandwiches were made

the odds of me killing a plastic plant are low but not impossible

Pharmacy drive thru

amazing to think how Sesame Street all began with one sesame seed

Why do I have to pretend that I'm going to print something in order to save it as a PDF. Why do I have to engage in a little ruse.

Bro imagine rolling up to church having just written Ave Maria. Suck my dick, god. Your move

well, can a guy on drugs do THIS

interviewer: i haven’t asked any questions

just tripped going up stairs and said sorry to no one

by a show of hands who has completely stopped giving hi-fives

A closeup of a truck tailgate with a product logo saying PALFINGER in black and yellow

I don’t wanna be fuck buddies but I’ll give you a

new executive order just dropped. they're lowering the 5 second rule to 4 seconds. what the fuck man.

The statue's famous penis has been worn quite smooth and shiny by many years of visitors sucking it for good luck

There are those of us who lose important shit so often we’ve strung ourselves out chasing that ever-diminishing high

HERZOG: i am like a craftsman and feel very close to the medieval artisans who produced their work anonymously and who, along with their apprentices, had a true feeling for the physical materials they were working with

ME: i knew it would be too much to eat for lunch but i still ate it anyway

not being reduced to format jokes would fix me

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes today because I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership

I asked this in a restaurant and they kicked me out

sees man in trousers, vest, jacket & tie . follows suit . folks,,

a person dressed up as a tree

Her: I didn’t shave, I hope you don’t mind

Me:

(pouring jack daniels into personalized champagne flutes) let’s make this animal house an animal home

voice on tape: HELLO DIPSHIT
you: oh no. i got captured by Mean Jigsaw
voice: DO YOU WANT TO PLAY A GAME. OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY BEING POOR
you: Mean Jigsaw stop