WeedMom

Me too

It's my nephew's birthday today. Time marches on, dammit

I heard like 80% of bald men still have their old comb. Turns out they just can’t part with it

Shingles, I hope

Nixonian

Same. Hospital vending machine coffee got me through a hospital stay once. I'd never pick either, but they'll do in a pinch

kubrador i’ve been waking up at 3am to move my neighbor’s trash cans slightly every week and he hired a priest last month Vent/Rant this started 2 years ago. my neighbor gary reported me to the HOA because my trash cans were “visible from the street” on a non-trash day. i got a $50 fine. i said okay gary. okay. every wednesday night i set an alarm for 3am. i go outside in dark clothes. i move his trash cans about 6 inches to the left. that’s it. just 6 inches. then i go back to bed. the first few months he didn’t notice. then one morning i saw him standing in his driveway just staring at them. he moved them back. next wednesday. 6 inches. he started putting a rock in front of them to mark the spot. i moved the rock too. he installed a ring camera. i approached from the blind spot behind his bushes. i know his yard better than he does at this point. last summer his wife came over to ask my wife if we’d “noticed anything strange in the neighborhood.” my wife said no. i was standing right there. i ate a granola bar and nodded. in october he had the house blessed. i watched a priest walk through his front door. i saw them standing in the driveway praying over the trash cans. i almost felt bad. almost. he’s started bringing them inside his garage now. so i’ve pivoted to moving his welcome mat 2 inches every week instead. i will never stop. i don’t even remember what being normal feels like. the HOA created me.

The HOA created a monster

I am a regular one who turns into a goblin one by noon if no caffeine has been acquired

Also, I know which gas stations have decent coffee. The local co-ops and Chevron. Both are better than Tim's. Usually. :)

Mike (profile crossed out for some reason) This political campaign text got cut off and now it sounds like the candidate is about to shit himself [Text Message Notification] The time is now & it has never been more urgent! I didn't want to send this, but the situation is dire and I'm about to shi...

Situation dire: I’m about to shi...ntervene in Congress.

Hahahaha! I can just imagine it! I wonder if it's a "card everyone" policy. We used to have that at a 7-11 I worked at in 1990. We had to write down year of birth. We just made them up for most ppl

Hah! They had to be fucking with you.

😂 That's hilarious. I got carded buying weed (I'm in my 50s) and I was so happy until I realized she was fishing for a discount for me 😭 Now back to denial. I got card buying weed!

They wanted to see if you qualified for seniors discount?

You are welcome, darlin'!

Proposal: Extra deep navel

scroll, scroll, scroll, HOLD UP WHO IS SHE? SHE'S BEAUTIFUL! It's you. Again. That's twice you've caught my breath like that. That red is perfect for you!

I just mean I need to have tissues ready

I'll weep openly then. Thanks for the warning! 😂😭😂

PSA: if you post an image to me and it doesn’t have alt text, I’m not gonna like or repost it. in the time it takes you to find and upload that, you could add alt text. alternatively, you can toggle Bluesky settings to ensure you add alt text before posting. good talk DO IT I HAVE SPOKEN

Peanut butter jar and spoons are dangerous for me

Want

Ha! He's just wound a little tight these days and that show is a bit intense. We have some medical trauma too. But I think he'd enjoy it if he could relax a bit.

I did, yes. Trying to get Dad onboard.

I love her. I aspire to that level of steel calm strength. Plus omg what I wouldn't let her do to me...

I haven't seen ANY of this season, so please no spoilers.

Quickly! I have half an hour left to find the money unhinged mêmes for my sister for her 40th birthday

I'm calling on the American people to rise up and overthrow your government

AI slop

Mom is very disappointed in you, Mark. :( You were never my favourite child, but I thought maybe you had the potential to be better than the one I dropped on his head a bunch of times.

🫠

From 2003. The more things change.