Don't forget Dunstable, the less famous but equally grim sibling of Luton

They hived that off to Telford and The Wrekin, so it doesn't really count. Shropshire is generally fabulous, but the south is better than the north.

Cows and the SAS.

Wiltshire is huge fields of mechanised farmland, grim military towns, and Swindon.

They're legal because there is a free phone entry option which, obviously, they don't push.

Maybe they have a bidet, or one of those all-singing, all-dancing Japanese toilets. But the reinforced model

This is Fesshole. It's for shits and giggles. Mumsnet is that way -->

My guess is that Oasis fans also shop at Primark, then

Sumo wrestlers get their arses wiped by novices to get around this issue. Which makes me wonder...how do you wipe?

The actor turned out to be a nonce, if that helps.

Or Facebook. It probably posts "Just watched midget lesbian fun" on your timeline so your mum knows

a young man wearing a white shirt and tie smiles for the camera ALT: a young man wearing a white shirt and tie smiles for the camera

Now you're in the Dead Hand Gang

Sometimes it's just to keep the last ATM open. I think that's the case in smaller towns.

I was watching a YouTube feature on Eric Clapton. That guy has run the whole gamut of terrible hairstyles since he became famous

I deliberately failed the audition for primary school choir because I couldn't be arsed with it. I've been told that I sing quite tunefully.

Meatspin made me laugh like a drain the first time I saw it.

That's often where the line is drawn between fwb and a relationship. Probably because it's quite a public show of partnership

Jim Bob from Carter USM is actually called Jim Morrison, but wisely chose a stage name

in the late 20th century, a lot of girls had C&A on their knickers.

My mate, who is somewhat on the spectrum, often wears one red sock and one green sock. I told him they were on the wrong feet for port and starboard and he swapped them there and then

Starmer has made some unforced errors (and should have had a fair fight with Burnham) but he's playing a blinder over the Iran fiasco

But he has no power.

You need granary bread, or Hovis Seed Sensations. The linseeds still fall out of your arse undigested, though

I'm sure this is how my father ended up with a hearing aid, because he could apparently hear us all perfectly, except my mother

I've never heard of dishwashing powder. Is it a USian thing?

Dan Brown has shares in Ellipsis, Inc

I worked with a guy who had lost half a finger to a pig. He was exactly the sort of person you'd expect it to happen to.

More than three shakes is, well, you know

Spoiler: the teacher was 17