Would you rather…
walk a nontech person through joining a Zoom meeting
OR
swallow a cup of crushed glass
Ok. Now go to the emergency room for that glass issue.
Okay, this is my newest very very favorite meme.
Watching the delivery driver on the map like I'm in the situation room
Newspaper headline reads "Hippo eats dwarf."
Dwarf crushes scissors
Scissors cut paper
Paper covers hippo
Someone called me extroverted today. I did it, guys. I fooled them.
me: (posting) hello
person who i have never interacted with: (replying) a polite greeting killed my father you son of a bitch
Clicked a crumbl cookie notification and my Apple fitness app opened.
Catphished again.
You can do it. I believe in you.
My neighbor is so annoying he keeps texting me things like "my Trump flag is missing" and "i can see my Trump flag burning in your window" Shut the fuck up, Gary
She pronounced it "Valentime's Day", your honor
girls don't want roses for Valentine's Day. they want autonomy over their own bodies
Working on a university campus today and if you were wondering, the stinky middle school boys still aren’t showering in their 20s.
Just searched the CheetoFelon’s name to be sure the app didn’t auto-follow him and remembered OH YEAH WE ARE SAFER HERE
As requested @garymuppet.bsky.social
Valentine’s Day hints, fellas:
She’s lying. She does want flowers. Not carnations, you ass.
Take a picture of her favorite jewelry. Go to the jewelry store. Show the guy what she likes. Buy that. Wrap it.
Don’t be a fucking wanker.
Yes, that means all day.
Remember when we didn’t have to think about politics? Sigh. Good times.
There was so much opportunity for me to be productive today.
Alas
Don’t forget to watch literally anything but him today.
I really get it now. THIS is the bad place. AMERICA is the bad place.
They had to move the inauguration indoors because it's going to be a cold day in hell
guy named geoff: what should we name our daughter
his wife brittani: how about steoffani
geoff: *is just weeping tears of geoy*
Me: I’m bored
My refrigerator: here she comes
deleting that post isn’t enough i need you to be stung by a jellyfish
I always wanted another reason to hate Carrie Underwood.
Oh sure everybody’s all “ooh breakfast for dinner slay” but when I’m in frying up some kookaburra wings and a bloomin’ onion at 6am I’m “weird” and “so loud”
Woman: My husband hides things from me
Therapist Scooby Doo: Rhave ryou ried ripping ruh rmask roff ris rface
But she put coffee mugs on the juice glass side of the cabinet, your Honor
Writing tip: After you finish, go back & cut all the adverbs. Then all the adjectives. Then all the other words. Eat the paper. Now you're free.
Wearing edible panties*
*two slices of pizza held in place by a fruit by the foot tied around my waist
