Dreamer

When I drink during a full moon I turn into an unawarewolf

Just got your text from last night. Do you still need your Epipen

the first old person to put tennis balls on their walker was baller as hell

I didn't come here to make friends. Unless, of course, you want to be my friend. In which case nothing would bring me greater joy

One day I’ll be served a fajita with the correct tortilla-to-filling ratio and boy will you hear about it

This moment in time really drives home the FIFA Peace Prize’s stellar reputation for significance.

This can't be the same brain that knew all the channel numbers

Clearly a forgery. Jesus dots his i with a heart.

*on antiques roadshow* I’m sorry…what?

Currently maintaining an optical illusion that I'm sitting at my desk at work when in fact I'm at home with Floyd and all I used was a sack of potatoes, two mirrors and a paper clip.

I say happy birthday a lot for someone that is diametrically opposed to all birth.

We may disagree politically but we are all of us fascinated by parasitoid egg casings laid on the back of a tomato hornworm. Let’s build on this

There are times where I really wanna snuggle up in my sleeping bag in the middle of the turnpike, but I never will cause I got shit to do. So do you

Gimme some of that pound cake <food sext>

Wear two outfits incase you need to shed an outer or an innie layer.

This is my alt. My main is real life.

Outdoor fruit stand with huge pyramid of oranges and tall round banana display.

they’re just begging for a car chase

Ew, no.

*motions to everything*

Not now, Babe. I've got to gulp down this tangy psyllium husk before it gels.

I swear that this is a race to the fucking bottom.

maybe we need more hot baths and less hot takes

Last time i was raptured they were all like no way, bro

my anxiety is on multiple side quests

War is small dick energy

Magic in your hands one minute, dropped and kicked under the stove the next. That reminds you though how the broken fixes itself when you make an appointment and maybe one pretend phone call is a wand

How long does a midlife crisis last? Going on about 18yrs and I feel that might be a bit excessive.

Recruiters be like "I noticed that you have 20+ years of experience in your field- would you be interested in a job that doesn't pay well enough to ever buy a home or comfortably pay bills?"

[25 seconds into marathon]
lol nope

Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.

my air purifier is always glowing red at me when i smoke weed. like, simmer down, narc, it’s all good.

sigh detector test determined that was a sigh