Mei Dean Francis

It's pretty alright! I feel like Lo Fi Girl 🤍

Nope-- it was four in the morning.

I've been looking forward to a little hanami at UW this weekend... never mind. 😅

Why, God? WHY #Bellevue

Guys think they want a girl who works for a living until they see her hands #electrician

I've seen the nervousness of tech bros who see me in the elevator.

So many people would say I'm taking a man's job, or that I'm not worth knowing or being polite to.

Those people can suck my nuts. 🌞

I'm so tired.

This is not where I saw myself at 48 years of age (I expected less neon), but it's an honest living and the work needs doing.

So many people would scoff at that.

Worked my ass off. It turns out that Red Bull, while delicious, doesn't contain very much caffeine. Grabbed an Americano from the café downstairs with the boss during a break. Working in Bellevue has its perks.

Skipped lunch. Now I am home, clean, dry and eating a giant bowl of macaroni and cheese.

I didn't make coffee this morning, trading it for 10 more minutes of sleep and risking my entire career. Grabbed a Red Bull on my way out and ate a handful of soda crackers with my meds.

Wiped my face off with wet wipes, threw on my raincoat and sped into the breach.

Watching the State of the Union because cutting myself is too messy

Getting ghosted by a therapist is always a good motivator 😅

How is this motherfucker still breathing?

I stopped counting at 25 typos. (Why am I unemployed, again? 💔)

Inherited guilt and the effects of Greatest Generation stoicism are also touched on.

The führer is called Dictator X; the other characters are mostly fictional. The setting is 1981.

Happy New Year!

Shin Megami Tensei gives me the willies, but it's worth it.
I knew better than to go anywhere near Doki Doki Literature Club.

None of the above are suitable for children, in my opinion.

Anyway, that's my scale. Dark Auction is more unsettling and tense.

What is "a little scary"? I'm so glad you asked! I'm a pussy, but a very specific one.

My scale:
Fatal Frame nearly killed me.
Danganronpa 1 and 3 are horrifying. 2 is tolerable but still upsetting.
I had to drink to get through the finger chopping and car crushing in Heavy Rain.

It's 98% on rails, but it's good if you like to read your games (I do). The aesthetic might remind you of Persona or 999, but it's a very different kind of story.

Caveats:
- I have found six typos so far.
- It uses AI for some art. They are in the process of replacing it.
- It's a little scary.

Finally digging into 'Dark Auction', written by Rika Suzuki of Hotel Dusk fame; it's a mystery concerning generational trauma in the shadow of WWII. I had family on both sides of the war.

People throw the term "visual novel" around too easily, but this is one.

I don't need to be coddled, but I've been in survival mode for five years and don't know how to relax or self-soothe, and the only person who ever tried to teach me and help me figure this out took the best years of my life and gave me PTSD.

No rest for the wicked, I guess?

My natural action was wrong, but it's not always wrong, so it's confusing.

And I sit here trying to calm myself down, wishing someone would shoot me with a blowdart like a wild animal. I can't help wondering if reassurance and participation trophies are the way.

I could use some warm fuzzies.

You have to learn to trust a different gut, one you grew as an adult, even if your brain is telling you to do things differently.

Example: I just got mildly chewed out for not texting a boss over the weekend. I fought with myself over this.

Saying "I'm fine" or "I'm okay" to yourself helps.

Then you have to master shifting gears when engaging with your family, because they will think you need to be cut down to size.

That is the last damn thing in the world you need, though. You spend a lot of time just trying to make yourself feel safe.

It takes devastating mental gymnastics, 100 mg of Zoloft and years of therapy just to believe that you're not going to be shunned and starve because you said the wrong thing, just to get to the casual level most Americans are born on.

And if they were unlucky enough after escaping to go through new-world trauma? Maybe a dash of abuse and PTSD?

Tiny things like sending an email become harrowing ordeals.

You think that if you use the wrong word, you will face a firing squad.

I wish that average people in America had a better understanding of what people who grew up in old-world cultures that value filial piety go through in the workplace.

"Authority anxiety" doesn't quite describe it-- it's TERROR. Then add built-in imposter syndrome.

Nothing's working and I'll probably be up here all weekend, thanks 😅