Duncan MacMaster The Sweetheart of the Internet

“Did I pass my driver’s test Mr. Jorgensen?”

“What do you think Billy?”

Brother Theodore always wondered why the other monks toiling in the scriptorium were copying texts of importance. Great works of philosophy, theology, and science, while Brother Theodore was on his tenth edition of The Truly Tasteless Joke Book.

A giant bat is telling Bruce Wayne a bad joke.

“Hey Bruce, did I ever tell you about this friend of mine who ate 9 cans of Alphaghetti in one sitting?”

“No, what happened to him?”

“He had to run to the bathroom and have the biggest VOWEL MOVEMENT the world had ever seen. HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Ireland has found a unique way to cut down on drunk driving incidents.

Your reminder that over a 125 years ago, cocaine was given out like aspirin.

I was visiting an enchanted forest, & met some satyrs, fairies, elves & other magical creatures.

There I learned that chocolate gives unicorns diarrhea.

Let me tell you, the shit hit the faun.

Today we honour Graham Crachah, the founder of the martial art Fuk-Yu. Run over by a combine harvester on this day in 1979.

“Big Bird, did you eat any of the mushrooms growing behind my trashcan?”

“Maybe a few. Why is Mr. Hooper’s giant head floating over Sesame Street?”

“Just stay right there Big Bird, I’m going to call you an ambulance.”

“I don’t need an ambulance, Mr. Hooper does!”

“Normally, there’s nothing wrong with my ma. Today though, I wish she remembered that there was a lobster left in this trap. Ouch! My toe!”

ROGER: This is your spaceship design?

JAMES: The hero will pilot this.

R: It looks like a turkey with boobs.

J: They’re technically battle testicles. For tea-bagging the bad guy’s spaceship.

R: I can’t believe you’re going to win an Oscar in 17 years.

J: What?

R: Nothing.

“Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'
And we're flayin' alive, flayin' alive
Ah, ha, ha, ha, flayin' alive, flayin' alive!”

“Will you stop singing while we’re torturing you? It’s creeping everyone out.”

Moo…

“What music do you want for the drive St. Thomas Aquinas?”

“We’ve known each other for 30 years, you can call me Tom.”

“Okay Tom, it’s your turn to pick the station.”

“The alternative station is doing a Pixies retrospective.”

“Yes they are.”

“Then let’s hit the road.”

I remember seeing it for the first time when I was a little kid, and I had stayed up late to watch a special on experimental video on PBS.

“To do list:

Do NOT forget to buy some new shirts again.”

“Dammit Jim, quit beaming me up when I’m about to get busy with a sexy Andorian Engineer who is looking to check out my warp drive!”

“I’m sorry Bones, but the galaxy is in danger. So please tuck your wedding tackle back in your pants.”

“Never! It’s a matter of principle now!”

“Seriously, why is England so damn swampy? I was told I was going to the British Museum and getting star treatment from their Egyptology department. Instead, I’m in some dipshit backwater in the moors of Whogivesafuck county. I demand to talk to my agent and my attorney!”

“Are you sure his will cure my sciatica?”

“Let’s just say that you won’t be worried about it ever again.”

“Dammit Jim quit beaming me up all the time! I was about to get into a 3 way with 2 hot Romulans ladies.”

“But they were spies Bones!”

“I knew that already, you nimrod! The only thing they were going to get out of me was a prescription for antibiotics & the reason to get it.”

“Dammit Jim! Why did you have me beamed up now! I was about to get into the hot tub and go balls deep on an Andorian nurse!”

Hotel Owner: We want the carpeting in the halls to make our guests feel comfortable and safe.

Designer: How about a pattern that makes it look like the scene of a massacre?

Hotel Owner: I don’t think so…

Designer: I can get it cheap.

Hotel Owner: Sold!

If I ever come into money, I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it, but there would be signs.

“As red shirts you have taken a sacred oath to be the cannon fodder of the Federation…where’s Wilson?”

“A Gorn ate his head on way here, Captain.”

“Oh dear, anyway, that’s why Starfleet Command has me give you these little pep talks…”

“I told you that check engine light was on for a reason, Zaphrax. Now we’re getting towed to a garage, in front of the Earthlings. This is so embarrassing.”

“We have insurance Gorvo.”

“THIS IS NOT ABOUT INSURANCE! THIS IS ABOUT HUMILIATING THE ZABARIAN EMPIRE!”

“Why have you knights come to kill me?”

“We are ridding our king of a troublesome priest!”

“And because you wrote Waiting For Godot, the bastard Godot never showed up!”

“That’s the wrong Beckett Terry.”

“Oh.”

“Will you people please stop chatting & get out of the bathroom. You can chat in any other room in the house, but not here, not when my ass is about to give birth to a baby dragon! Now GET OUT, or prepare to get mentally scarred for life!”

“Okay, I’ll explain it again. To Serve Man is a cookbook for feeding humans, not eating humans. Seriously, you would give us crippling coronary levels of cholesterol, because, let’s face it, you’re a bit on the fatty side. Most of the recipes are cribbed from Julia Child.”

Mia Goth
Goth Mia
Mia the Goth
Gothic Mia

Margery had to churn the butter regularly so her family could make it through the winter, but every time she did, she had flashbacks to Gramma demonstrating her hand technique on Tuck the farmhand.

Mia Goth
Goth Mia
Mia the Goth
Gothic Mia