Paperwash

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

🎶 I'm a joker
I'm Al Roker
I'm a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there'll be sun

Do you really hate nepotism or does your family just suck?

BANKER: After careful review of your financial history, I'm happy to say that we can approve your SBA loan.
ME: Great!
BANKER (sliding over a Susan B. Anthony dollar): We'll need this back on payday.

it's crazy that humans walked on hot pavement barefoot for thousands of years before inventing sneakers

[performing several autopsies]: hmm they most definitely WERE giants

I am going to not matter so hard on so many platforms

If you’re a baby, don’t even try to play peek-a-boo with me. You will lose

Fine. I'll do it. I'll fuck the Duolingo owl.

PRU!

cell phone provider: we have unlimited talk and text

me: that's too much

HELLO JEFF

there's too many social media apps now, we've ruined the sanctimony of marriage