Every interview:
god is good
Is he tho?
10.02.2025 03:23
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Every interview:
god is good
Is he tho?
They keep mentioning God.
Who knows who’s listening up there but Washington weather teams are reporting thick shafts of angry yellow vomit cascading from the sky.
Just “hanging around indefinitely” is about all I can muster too these days…
Dentist just told me that he needs to put me down.
He’s making a list
And he’s checking it twice
While he’s having a smoke
And she’s taking a drag
if a snowman magically came to life in front of me i would bash its head in with a shovel
I’m equal parts proud and mortified.
My son is 4.
Modern luxury is the ability to think clearly, sleep deeply, move slowly, and live quietly in a world designed to prevent all four. - Justin Welsh
Living luxuriously
I will join the conference call after I have concluded my lamentations
Ok, so I think I ate too much turkey. My thighs are bulging.
imagine it’s a Tuesday evening and you’re at the main grocery store on the Death Star and, upon entering the produce section, you spot Darth Vader by the bananas and he’s wearing Birkenstocks
Be careful if you watch “The Snowman” on Pluto and go make dinner or something…
Thanksgiving hitting higher this year. More upper-abdomen bloat.
My uncle just asked if we’re brining the turkey in “liberal tears,” so Thanksgiving is already off to a great start. 🙄
a fun thanksgiving ice breaker is to go around the table and rate everyone by hotness. it’s fine if no one else wants to play
BARTENDER: what’ll it be
OLD MAN: tonic and gin
BILLY JOEL: *leans over and whispers* you should make love to that
COP: do you know why I stopped you
ME: is it related to my crimes
Don't forget to peel the skin off of the turkey tomorrow and wear it on your face to impress the relatives
Every conversation that my Dad starts with me feels like it could end with finding out about a half sibling.
[eyeball dangling from socket]
Haha I think it’s just allergies
Her: Do that thing I like
Me: leaves
Thin Lizzy: Guess who just got back today?
Me: Is it the boys? It's the boys isn't it
I just felt a tiny ant crawling on my hand and impulsively blew it onto the carpet instead of killing it, and now I’m sad as I imagine it wandering aimlessly through an endless forest of identical blue trees, slowly losing its mind.
Bananas Gorilla was always my favorite from the Scarryverse. Guy can’t get enough bananas. Will murder for bananas.
a 25 year gap in my résumé that just says “poetry”
Creepy Victorian Thanksgiving post cards.
Guys with studded choke collars. Yeah, all that stuff.
I don’t even know what starter pack I’d be a part of….
— Grumplings
— Extraterrestrial Abductee Testimonial Peeps
— People who remember Nickelodeon’s “Today’s Special”
— Banned from Big Lots
— Fans of Fans: posters who made posts about being fans of the people who are fans of things.
— Gangstas
